Michael Phelps Admits to Faking Marijuana Use for Publicity

November 13, 2029—Michael Phelps’ upcoming autobiography contains a shocking admission that he never actually used illegal drugs during his storied career in competitive swimming.

According to an excerpt of the autobiography, “Wet,” published today in Googlenews.com, the 14-time Olympic gold medalist says he actually leaked a fake photo to a British tabloid in 2009 showing him using a bong to smoke marijuana (then a controlled substance).  USA Swimming subsequently suspended him from swimming for three months.

“I thought I could eventually sell more copies of my memoirs if I had a blemish on my image that I could talk about in detail,” Phelps confesses. “I figured people would want to read about how ashamed and humiliated I was.”

He said he later sent a letter to USA Swimming admitting that he faked the photo for money-making purposes, but that the organization ignored his confession because it wanted to convince the public that it was cracking down on illegal drug use in the sport.

Retired tennis pro Andre Agassi, who wrote a 2009 autobiography in which he admitted to illegal drug use during his career, issued a statement sharply criticizing Phelps.

“I think Michael has learned that over the years that celebrities who admit to past drug use—myself, LeBron James, Bill Clinton—are a dime a dozen,” Agassi said. “So he’s decided to cash in by claiming to have faked bad behavior instead of actually having engaged in it. To me he’s right up there with [actor] David Duchovny.”

Agassi was referring to longstanding rumors that Duchovny lied about being a recovering sex addict back in 2008 in order to boost ratings for his TV show, “Californication,” in which he played a sex addict.

Disgraced NASA Chief Flees Earth

November 12, 2029—Former NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan appears to have fled the planet after learning that a special prosecutor has been appointed to investigate his role in the apocalypse fraud scheme.

Federal investigators yesterday subjected Phiphan’s family to hours of mind probing, and learned that the former NASA chief, who resigned under fire last week, had headed into space on his private shuttle before dawn on Wednesday morning.  Phiphan’s escape came less than 12 hours after Attorney General Beau Biden named longtime prosecutor Barry Cuda to lead an inquiry into the so-called Armageddon-gate scandal.

“We suspect that Mr. Phiphan will run to the lunar principality of Moonaco, which has no extradition treaty with the United States,” FBI Director Don Jeeman said in a press conference this. “So it may be very difficult to retrieve him to make him atone for his apparent hoax on humanity.”

The investigation stems from an FU story published last month showing that the asteroid that NASA claimed to have discovered heading on a destructive path toward Earth was in fact a fabrication. Phiphan conspired with other government officials to concoct the story in order to steer lucrative contracts to LockMartin Corp. for the construction of planetary evacuation ships.  LockMartin allegedly agreed to pay kickpacks to Phiphan and numerous government officials in exchange for the contract award.

Cuda will also investigate allegations that Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme in order to help enrich his mistress. California real estate mogul Sela House, who says she began an affair with Lawe in 2027, has admitted in an affidavit that she and Lawe volunteered to help NASA and the Pentagon perpetuate the asteroid hoax so that they could manipulate housing values.

Meanwhile, the world community is condemning the United States and its allies for allowing the asteroid scare to proliferate unchecked. The Palestinian Authority accused the Jolie administration of using the scheme to clear the West Bank and Gaza Strip of all Palestinians so that Israel could settle those areas permanently.  Russia accused the administration of using a concocted secondary crisis—aliens entering the solar system—as an excuse to revive the old “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative. And North Korea and Iran both condemned the U.S. because that’s what they always do.

Sosa Says Face Cream Made Him Look Like Asian Woman

November 11, 2029—Sammy Sosa says a revolutionary cosmetic cream he uses to soften the skin around his cheeks and eyes is the reason he now resembles an Asian woman.

The former Chicago Cubs slugger, whose use of cosmetic creams and hair-straightening products has drawn attention for two decades, was photographed at a gala event in Las Vegas last week with a noticeably different face and ostensibly new gender.

Sosa, who turns 61 tomorrow, says he is not suffering from any skin illness and has not undergone any gender-alteration surgery or ethnicity-changing treatments. He says he has been using a revolutionary cream for a long time, and combined with bright camera lights that made him squint, it made his face look feminine and Asian.

Sosa in 2005 (left) and today