Economy Thrives as Judgment Day Nears

July 10, 2029—Consumer spending soared in June as Americans, apparently determined to spend their last months on Earth in a hedonistic frenzy, sprung for restaurants, alcohol, lavish vacations and expensive jewelry, according to new government statistics. 

The 40 percent gain in purchases was the biggest jump in six months, the Commerce Department said today. The fact that the world is coming to an end is offsetting the impact that the housing slump would otherwise have on consumer confidence, said Commerce Secretary Mark Etwatcher

“Housing values are literally down to almost nothing, since the planet will soon be wiped out by the asteroid heading our way,” Etwatcher said. “But people obviously are not really worried about their net worth these days, so they’re spending to their hearts’ content. There’s no question that impending doom is good for the economy.”

Federal officials said most of the spending is in the form of credit card purchases, suggesting that consumers assume the planet will be destroyed before they have to pay off big balances.

Manny Once Stopped Being Manny, Book Reveals

July 9, 2029—A new unauthorized biography of legendary baseball slugger Manny Ramirez reveals that he stopped being himself for a few hours during the latter part of his major league career.

In the Shadow of the Green Monster, a tome written by acclaimed sports writer Tommy Scornraiser, draws its title from a 2004 Boston Red Sox game in which Ramirez, a native Dominican who had just become a U.S. citizen, planted an American flag near the green left-field wall of Fenway Park.

Ramirez in 2009

Ramirez was often assailed for being a lazy, self-indulgent prima donna—traits that his supporters always defended as “Manny just being Manny.” But on May 9, 2010, Ramirez spent an afternoon being humble, focused and selfless, according to the book. The event occurred during Ramirez’ last season with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

“It was fleeting, and unexplainable, but the fact is that for about four hours, during a game against the [Florida] Marlins, Manny stopped being Manny,” Scornraiser states in the book.

“It helped that he didn’t have much to be smug or boastful about during that game,” Scornraiser writes. “He was hitless in four at-bats, and the Marlins won the game 10-2.” 

Ramirez, 57, played in the MLB from 1993 until his retirement in 2012. He hit 541 career homes runs (most of them before his 2009 50-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball’s policy on performance-enhancing drug use) and holds the MLB record for grand slams (25). He now promotes a line of condoms under the brand name “ManRam Raincoats.”

CNN.com to Cease Michael Jackson Coverage

July 8, 2029—CNN.com announced yesterday that, after two decades of non-stop coverage, it will cease daily Web TV reports about the late pop icon Michael Jackson.

“It’s been 20 years since his death, and we’ve milked everything out of his demise that we possibly can,” said CNN.com President Wolf Blitzer. “It saddens me to say it, but it’s time to move on to coverage of other celebrity scandals and deaths.”

CNN.com is the second major media outlet this year to shut down its Michael Jackson coverage.  NBCNews.com in March said it would cease all Jackson stories following a special June 25 program commemorating the 20th anniversary of his death.

Blitzer said CNN decided to wait to close down its Jackson coverage until after yesterday’s special program marking the 20th anniversary of the singer’s memorial service in Los Angeles, and another special marking the 20-year anniversary of anchor Anderson Cooper’s interview with Jackson’s chimp, Bubbles. Those shows remain available for download in the CNN archives.

CNN.com said it will start layoffs of all reporters assigned to the Michael Jackson beat beginning immediately.