Future Update

April 10, 2028—The organization that oversees professional croquet in the United States has appointed a special committee to investigate allegations of steroid abuse among some of the sport’s top competitors.

Miles G. Hawthorne IV, president of the United States Croquet Association (USCA) headquartered in Palm Beach, Fla., announced the creation of the committee yesterday.  Former political pundit Tucker Carlson has been named chair of the panel.

Hawthorne rejected the notion that USCA authorities knew about the steroid problem as far back as 2018, when top players first began showing rapid muscular growth. 

“Even croquet players like to look fit,” Hawthorne said, when asked why added muscle would be seen as a competitive edge in the sport.

But a player on the USCA circuit, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said many players took steroids simply to intimidate their competitors.

Croquet is said to be the last professional sport to weather a steroids scandal.  Track-and-field competitors in the U.S. Olympics first brought the practice of illegal steroid use to light back in the 1980s, and steroid abuse has since been uncovered in every sport from major league baseball to chess.