Future Update

April 29, 2028 – New Ma Bell has introduced a mobile phone that uses global positioning technology to identify your one true love, no matter where in the world that person is at any given time.

The new AT&T Soulmate Locator scans and records your psyche, and also measures your physical attributes and genetic makeup. Using GPS technology, it then scans the globe to identify your soulmate based on such criteria as intelligence, physical health, personal values, communication style, religion, sexual orientation and favorite foods. You can then immediately phone or text that person, and even send him or her your photo.  The device cost $999 with a two-year commitment.

“This really saves love seekers a lot of time they would otherwise have to spend in online dating sites,” AT&T Mobility marketing director Ken Hart said in a press release. “With the Soulmate Locator, true love is just a click away.  Even if you’re one true love is atop Mount Everest, Soulmate Locator will find them.  You can arrange for a rendezvous, or just cut to the chase and start planning your wedding.”

But Dr. Phil McGraw, TV psychologist and special love analyst for FU, warns that users should be careful about the results they get when using their Soulmate Locators, arguing that they might end up with a soulmate who isn’t right for them.

“Gals, suppose your Soulmate Locator finds you a true love who is connected to the disappearance of Natalee Holloway,”  McGraw said. “And fellows, say you’re soulmate turns out to be too old or flat chested. Shucks, in cases like these, you’d be better off finding love the old fashioned way—by reading one of my self-help books.”