Fired Lawmakers to Receive Intensive Job Training

April 30, 2028—The U.S. of Google on Monday officially put subsidiary Careerbuilder.com in charge of the U.S. Department of Labor, marking the latest step by the Silicon Valley company to integrate the federal government assets that it bought for $300 zillion earlier this month.

E.M. Ployer, who was Careerbuilder’s CEO until its 2016 acquisition by Google and now serves as its president, said his first order of business will be providing job-training assistance to members of Congress who were laid off as a result of the U.S. government sale.

“Unlike other federal employees, the skill set among Senators and members of Congress is rather ill-suited for this economy,” Ployer said during a press conference. “The market is already saturated with professional fundraisers, and there are very few employers who need workers skilled in filibustering and dodging questions.  So we’ll need to give these out-of-work lawmakers all the help they can get.”

Ployer said Careerbuilder will develop online tools that will teach lawmakers basic workplace skills such as humility and accountability.

“It will be a difficult adjustment for many of these people,” he cautioned. “They’ll have to learn that they don’t need to campaign to their boss every two or six years in order to keep their jobs—they just need to show up everyday and learn not to rely a bunch of aides to do all their work for them.”