Future Update

May 6, 2028 — Karl Rove, a longtime political consultant and the former deputy chief of staff to President George W. Bush, died suddenly yesterday at his home in Texas. He was 77.

Doctors at first believed Rove died of cardiac arrest, but the county coroner said he could not locate a heart during an autopsy of Rove’s body.  The cause of death was officially listed as “lack of a soul.”

Rove, widely known for his “take no prisoners” campaign strategies, is credited with orchestrating the campaigns that elevated Bush to the White House in 2000 and again in 2004.   He resigned from his White House position in 2007 after it was revealed that he was under investigation by the Office of Special Counsel for “improper political influence over government decision-making” and for being “just fundamentally mean.”

Rove then became a political analyst and contributor for Fox News, Newsweek, and The Wall Street Journal. He briefly hosted a political talk show on Fox in 2011, but the show was cancelled after he got into an on-air fist fight with guest commentator Al Franken.

Bush was asked to issue a statement, but was unable to do so without Rove telling him what to say.