California Set to Impose Donut Ban

May 28, 2028 – A proposal to ban the consumption of donuts and other pastries in public places sailed to victory yesterday in the California legislature, the latest attempt by a state to protect citizens from the health hazards of sugar highs and transfats.

The win for Initiative 1201, which Gov. Sheryl Crow is expected to sign, represents the nation’s strictest statewide pastry ban.  The measure prohibits donuts, croissants, bear claws, funnel cakes and other baked goods from being served and consumed in such public locations as schools, offices, conventions, and county fairs. Resentful local police will be responsible for enforcing the initiative against individuals, with violators subject to a $10,000 fine.

“We are proud, happy and delighted,” said Anna Rexya, spokesperson for the American Heart Association, a sponsor of the bill. “People stood up and said we believe it’s time to rid our society of these dangerous baked goods. We know the desire to eat fatty pastries is contagious, and by prohibiting this disgusting behavior in public places, we can help stop the spread of donut cravings and unmitigated indulgence.

Joe Gordo, a Sacramento bakery owner who led the opposition to the initiative, said he wasn’t surprised by the outcome.

“We just didn’t have the money to get out and inform the voters about their civil rights, about their right to eat whatever they want — no matter what the consequences,” Gordo said.  “Now what are people in my line of work supposed to do for a living? What are people supposed to eat with their coffee at Starbucks? What are cops supposed to do on their breaks?” 

Meanwhile, many eating establishments across the state are scrambling to revamp their menus to comply with the new law.  In anticipation of the measure being passed, Dunkin’ Donuts has already changed its corporate name to Dunkin’ Melba Toast, and the Cinnabon chain has officially changed its brand name to Cinnawholewheatbagel.

The measure is the most drastic backlash against food since the state of Massachusetts passed a ban on hamburgers in 2021.  That law forced the Wendy’s fast-food chain into bankruptcy and forced Burger King to change the name of its Massachusetts restaurants to Sir Soy.