BREAKING NEWS
June 5, 2028 — A militia backing former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton stormed the Googleplex in Silicon Valley early this morning in an attempt to wrest control of the United States from Google.
Troops loyal to Clinton used phaser rifles to fire their way into the complex at 3 a.m. PDT, fatally stunning at least 50 Google employees who were pulling all-nighters to create a new advanced Gmail application. Unconfirmed reports indicate that the soldiers also have taken U.S. of Google Chief Executive Larry Page and his family as hostages. Page retains a residence on the company’s campus.
In a statement released at 8 a.m. this morning, Clinton said she resorted to a military coup for the good of the nation.
“For more than 20 years, I’ve known what’s best for the country, and it’s high time people recognized it,” Clinton said. “The country will be much better served with me in control rather than a corporate entity.”
Clinton did not indicate what type of government she plans to put in place. But FU political analyst George Stephanopoulos said that based on her behavior over the past two decades, she will most likely impose some hybrid of a dictatorship and a democracy.
The coup occurs in the same week that activist investor Carl Icahn launched an effort to capture a controlling interest in the country. Icahn said Google’s purchase of the federal government in April was the latest in a string of “stupid” business decisions that have cost shareholders billions of dollars in value.
Icahn declined comment on the coup. But one of his advisors, who asked that his name not be used, said the nonagerian billionaire is considering forming his own militia to challenge Clinton.
“This could be the start of the Second Civil War for this country,” he said.
Google executives who escaped the incursion contacted military-owner Halliburton asking for help, but officials at that company’s headquarters declined, saying a counterattack would not be profitable.
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