Clinton Pledges to Be Altruistic Autocrat

June 9, 2028 — Through an intermediary, Future Update was able to secure an exclusive interview this morning with Hillary Clinton, who took over the country in a military coup on June 5.

Below are excerpts from the interview.

FU:  Why did you decide to take control of this country.

HC: Because it’s mine.

FU: When did you first start planning this action?

HC:  As soon as Google purchased the country in April.  I don’t like Google.  Too many people have Googled me over the years, and it’s an invasion of my privacy.

FU:  But you’re a public figure.

HC:  Yes, a public figure who now can control what people know about me. 

FU:  How did you organize the private army to carry out this coup?

HC: They are actually an army of fembots [female robots] that I purchased from an overseas supplier who wishes to remain anonymous. I didn’t have any luck recruiting real people.

FU:  World leaders have condemned your actions.  U.N. Secretary-General Bono has likened you to Genghis Kahn. How do you respond to your critics?

HC:  I think they’re being too harsh. I don’t want to rule with an iron fist. George W. Bush once described himself as a compassionate conservative. Well, my aim is to be an altruistic autocrat.

FU:  For the last 30 years, you’ve been trying to bring some form of universal health care to this country, without success.  Will that be a top priority now that you’re in charge?

HC:  Yes. Anyone who does not have health insurance will be executed.

FU:  You’re now rounding up Republicans and throwing them into prison. Isn’t that acting a lot like the despots you’ve condemned over the years.

HC:  Oh, c’mon. I’m locking up Ann Coulter. Do you really think anybody’s going to complain?

FU:  You’ve lost four bids for the White House over the last 20 years.  Some people are saying that this coup just shows that you’re a sore loser.

HC:  [Expletive] you! 

FU:  Once all the dust has settled, is there any way you would consider holding free and fair elections.

HC:  Yeah, right, like elections have really done me any good before.