July 17, 2028 — President George Prescott Bush is receiving pressure from his uncle, former President George W. Bush, to invade Belgium in order to free up beer reserves, FU has learned.
George W. Bush
The elder Bush, who left office in 2009 under a cloud over the war in Iraq, has reportedly made numerous visits and calls to the White House in the last two weeks, telling his nephew to “get some gonads and bomb those Belgirian bastards,” a highly placed source said.
During the final months of his term, George W. Bush wanted to invade the European Union capital after Belgian brewer InBev reached a deal to acquire top American brewer Anheuser-Busch. As reported at the time in the online news service The Lost News, the merging of these two companies created not only the biggest brewing company on Earth but also a new superpower. Since the merger, beer has rivaled oil, water, food and ribbed condoms in terms of scarcity — and as the source of international tensions. Belgium has been able to dictate numerous conditions — including compelling American newspapers to show topless women on their front pages and forcing the U.S. government to recognize global warming — to keep the beer spigots running. Beer prices now stand at $300 a keg, and consumers are paying up to $35 for a six pack.
Thus far, President Bush has managed to ignore his uncle’s counsel. The elder Bush, now 82, suffers from a rare form of dementia that many doctors believe began when he was in his 20s. He has apparently forgotten or may have always been unaware that the U.S. government will have to contract with Halliburton to launch the military strike. The United States sold all of its military assets to Halliburton in 2021.
White House press secretary Morris (Mo) Lyon had no official comment on George W. Bush’s communications with the president. A spokesman for the elder Bush denied having any influence over the administration, but confirmed that the former president wants to see something done about Belgium.
“President [George W.] Bush firmly is on the record saying that he believes controlling the American people’s access to a cold brew has brought Belgium into the axis of evil,” the spokesman said.
Indeed, in a speech he made to the Rotary Club in Knoxville, Tenn. in March, the senior Bush described Belgium’s actions as “outright extortionification.”
Ha! Extreme but not farfetched. A very enjoyable, yet frightening view of the world of tomorrow. No better way to start the day.
Glad you enjoyed. Hope I didn’t scare you too much.
[...] former president, 82, has been a persistent thorn in the side of his nephew’s administration. As FU reported last month, the senior Bush has been pressuring his nephew to order an invasion of Be… And last year he started a fist fight with an Iranian diplomat at a state [...]
[...] Anheuser-Busch, creating a new superpower that controls 85 percent of the world’s beer reserves. Beer prices now stand at $300 a keg, and domestic manufacturers such as Miller Brewing Co., Pabst Brewing Co. and Coors Brewing Co, [...]