by Tim Sharpe
Guest Correspondent to FU
July 21, 2028 – Monsantoburton, the world’s sole producer of plant seeds, notified the Food, Drug and Genetics Administration (FDGA) yesterday that one of its newest genetically modified plant life forms had escaped from a company greenhouse.
The incident happened just outside Topeka, Kan., where Monsantoburton operates several test farms. A company plant/human hybrid tried to put a positive spin on the situation during a press conference in Washington, D.C. last evening.
“Today, a new species of Venus Meat Plant at our Kansas farm unexpectedly developed the ability to walk,” the spokesplant said, its lips partially obscured by long, green leaves. “But there is only minimal danger to the public, as the plants are designed to feed on meat from cattle and not humans. We have notified the local authorities, and so far only two people have been eaten. Both were Monsantoburton workers who had been in contact with cow meat. The average person in Kansas is at higher risk from lightning or tornados than from our 10-foot-tall walking Venus Meat Plants. So lettuce not worry too much about it.”
The spokesplant went on to explain that only about one acre of the plants had actually developed the ability to walk; those from the other 24 acres can only crawl. So far none of the plants have been recovered.
Monsantoburton developed the Venus Meat Plant as a way to combat Mad Cow disease. The plants are designed to consume meat from cattle, filter out and feed on the Mad Cow prions which cause the disease, then extrude the filtered meat into plastic sacks they grow on their stalks.
This is not the first time Monsantoburton has had a mishap with experimental genetically modified plants. In 2025, seeds from one of their experimental tomatoes took root in the large intestine of a worker who consumed one, causing a tomato plant to emerge from the man’s anus. Most of his large intestine had to be removed as a result.
Tim Sharpe is the author of Sir Satire’s New World Order News Service, where you can find background on Monsantoburton’s history with genetically modified plant development.
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