by Skip DeKades
July 23, 2028 — Red Sox pitcher Mal Linger is expected to be on the mound tomorrow night against Toronto, although he’s not happy about it.
Linger, dismissed by many of his teammates for being a shiftless prima donna unworthy of his massive salary, claims he needs the remainder of the season to recuperate from the torn rotator cuff he suffered in the third inning of a July 17 game against Tampa Bay.
But surgeons treating Linger used nonwoven chitin fabric as an acellular matrix to enhance and speed up the regeneration of the rotator cuff tendons.
“In plain English, it means he’s cleared to play,” said Red Sox General Manager Stanford Atkins.
The procedure is known to repair rotator cuff injuries in as little as two days, compared to the four-to-six week recovery time that conventional surgery used to require.
“Mal will be back on the mound tonight, whether he likes it or not,” said Boston Manager Carl Pavano. “With today’s sports medicine, players have no reason to stay on the disabled list for more than a few days. They need to earn their salaries.”
Tensions have been high between Pavano and Linger, who signed with the Red Sox in 2025 for $139 million but has spent most of that time on the disabled list. Critics say Linger is a hypochondriac who looks for any excuse to relax in the dugout.
Pavano has questioned the pitcher’s fortitude and his commitment to play. Sources tell FU that the two reportedly got into a shouting match last week after Linger accused Pavano of hypocrisy. (A litany of injuries kept Pavano out of the rotation for most of his high-paying stint with the Yankees back in the 00s.)
FU sports analyst Bob Caustic says the Red Sox would do best to trade Linger before he further dampens team morale.
“The guy is 3-4 this season with a 6.00 ERA in his last nine starts,” Caustic said. “And he’s about as likeable as Barry Bonds with rabies.”
Special thanks to my good friend Robert Emeritz for inspiring this story.
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