by Skip DeKades
April 17, 2028 — Madonna celebrated her 70th birthday last night with a gala concert and party in Times Square, and made sure to top her most shocking on-stage moments with another dig at the Catholic Church – this time over pedophilia in the priesthood.
The pop singer entered the stage dressed as a priest, accompanied by a troupe of dancing 11-year-altar boys, as she sang her late-20th-century hit “Like a Prayer” followed by “Like a Virgin.” She then guided the boys offstage and whipped off the clerical outfit to reveal pasties and a thong, as she launched into her new single, “Pay Attention to Me.”
The Vatican immediately condemned the act, while the Archbishop of New York demanded the return of the altar boys.
More than 300 people attended the festivities. They included many of the diva’s longtime pals, including Rosie O’Donnell, Britney Spears and Alex Rodriquez. Her ex-husbands, film director Guy Ritchie and actor/director Sean Penn, were not invited.
During her performance, Madonna also called on the Bush administration to free Hillary Clinton, who has been in prison since her brief military takeover was toppled in June. Madonna supported several of Clinton’s presidential bids and shared a French kiss with her at the 2020 Kennedy Center Honors.
Noticeably absent from the extravaganza was presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Angelina Jolie. Madonna, who is running as an independent against Jolie and presumptive Republican candidate Sonny Jindal, has been locked in a longstanding rivalry with the Oscar-winning actress and former diplomat.
With her campaign in shambles, Madonna reportedly offered to drop out of the race in exchange for the chance to sing a few numbers on stage at the Democratic National Convention, which begins next week in Philadelphia. Convention organizers had not given a final response to her request, but sources now tell FU that the party would in no way give her a platform after her birthday performance.
“Look, she’s 70 years old,” one Democratic party insider said, “and no matter what kind of shape she’s in, no matter what kind of yoga she practices, we don’t need to see her gyrating around the podium nearly naked. And we can’t risk her offending a huge voting bloc. For all we know, she’ll bring a donkey on stage with her and do something unspeakable with it.”
Humor-Blogs.com wishes Madge a Happy Birthday.
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