Antique Condom Scandal Rocks L.A. Elementary School

by Skip DeKades &
Tim Sharpe

August 21, 2028 — A Los Angeles elementary school teacher has been suspended after allowing her students to play with antique condoms that were found buried in a time capsule on school grounds.

Several parents of 4th-graders at Encino Elementary School are demanding the teacher, Zoanne Kluliss, 22, be fired. Superintendent Howard Dufas said the matter is under review.

Parents arrived to pick up their children on Monday and found them blowing up condoms and playing with them like party balloons. 

“They seemed especially intrigued by the ribbed kind,” said Priscilla Tate, whose daughter, Amelia, is a student in the class.

Zoanne Kluliss, the teacher, said she decided to have the class dig up the time capsule after discovering a note about its whereabouts buried in her classroom desk. According to the note, the 4th grade class of 2008 had buried the capsule to help a future generation lead better lives.

Dufas said he later uncovered an old news article about the project, and learned that the students had picked the disease AIDS as the theme of the capsule. According to the story, published in Sir Satire’s New World Order News Service, the children wanted to tell the next generation to be careful to avoid the disease, and to remember those who died from the illness.  In addition to a box of condoms, which was controversial with parents at the time, the capsule contained a red ribbon with the single word “AIDS” on it.

Condoms from the early 21st Century

AIDS, a disease that decimated the body’s immune system, was eradicated along with other sexually-transmitted diseases in the early twenty-teens. And when birth-control pills began selling over the counter in 2013, condoms became obsolete and largely vanished from the marketplace.

Kluliss, 22, graduated in May from the University of California-Santa Barbara, and had just started her first day of teaching on Monday.  Dufas said Kluliss told him she had heard passing references to AIDS and condoms when she was a child, but had never learned what the terms meant. 

“Ms. Kluliss has told us she thought the bright-red ribbon and the balloon-like items were just old party supplies,” Dufas said. “She assumed the word “AIDS” meant party aids.”  

But parents aren’t accepting her ignorance as an excuse.

“I don’t think she can be trusted,” Tate said. “For all I know, I’ll come to pick my daughter up tomorrow and find her playing with a vibrator.”

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