Democrats’ Dilemma: What To Do About Bitch

by Skip DeKades

Philadelphia, August 27, 2028 — As Democrats prepare to nominate Angelina Jolie as their candidate for president, they face a bubbling public-relations problem — Jolie’s wife.

Bitch, the feminist folk-singer, has been married to Jolie for five years and is considered one of the candidate’s biggest vulnerabilities as she gears up for a campaign against Sen. Bobby Jindal (R-La.) and his conservative backers.

Organizers at the Democratic National Convention have urged Bitch to keep a low profile here this week, fearing too much time in front of cameras could fan the flames of Republicans who say she’ll bring shame to the White House.

Bitch stands to become the nation’s first gay first lady, although she has already said she will insist on being addressed as “First Person.” But her bizarre on-stage antics, multi-colored dreadlocks and radical political views have created worries about the type of image she’ll bring to the nation if Jolie is elected. 

Bitch in 2008

“She’ll probably play well in Europe, but she could really hurt our relations with Asian and Middle-Eastern nations,” said FU political analyst Ima Fullavit.  “And domestically, she faces a country that still has many pockets of puritanism.” 

Bitch’s radical views and outlandish appearance are the main reasons party leaders decided to have Jolie’s ex-husband, Brad Pitt, deliver the opening headliner speech at the convention rather than Bitch herself.   She has already created controversy with many of her public statements since Jolie’s campaign began.  She has, for example, said she would use the White House as a platform to support improved sex education for pre-schoolers and federal subsidies for gender-reassignment surgery.

Image consultants are encouraging Bitch to tone down her statements, and are trying to remodel her to look more stately for the campaign — although the singer has refused to abandon her signature green-and-pink hair color.

Bitch after makeover

While voters do not typically factor a candidate’s spouse into decisions, they do have certain expectations of a first lady. Democratic leaders say they believe the nation is ready to accept a gay couple as the First Family, but within limits.

“I think voters would be more comfortable with couples like Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi, or Ryan Seacrest and Anderson Cooper,” said historian Ben Lukenbach. “But they just aren’t ready for a rainbow-head First Lady who sings songs about genitalia.”

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