by Skip DeKades
San Francisco, September 3, 2028 — Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal on Tuesday defended his choice of West Virginia Gov. Mary Lou Retton as his running mate after she admitted that her family’s android maid, Geminetrix, was engaged to marry a 22-year-old construction worker.
Retton’s disclosure has led some Republicans to raise questions about how thoroughly her background was checked before Jindal announced her as his running mate.
“My vetting process was completely thorough,” Jindal told reporters after a visit with the St. Louis Chamber of Commerce. “Gov. Retton was very upfront about the situation with her maid, and has shut the machine down until the fiancée, Rob Otluver, gives up on the relationship. I did not see this as a problem when I selected her to be the next vice president of the United States.”
Geminetrix
The revelations raised questions of a double standard given that Retton, like Jindal, supports upholding laws banning marriages between androids and humans, and regards sexual relations between people and robots as sinful and perverted.
“I can’t believe they didn’t foresee this as a problem,” said FU political analyst Ima Fullavit. “She owns a machine that is violating the core values that she espouses. It’s the equivalent of Rachael Ray ordering take-out every night.”
Jindal advisers said they decided to issue a statement about Retton’s android in the wake of repeated inquiries from reporters after gossip websites and blogs speculated that Otluver was a smoke screen to conceal Geminetrix’s real lover - Retton’s husband, Bart Bells, a fitness instructor whom she married in 2018.
“This the same type of scurrilous media coverage that you people inflicted on Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin when they were vice presidential nominees,” said senior adviser Dee Fensev. “Those rumors are absolutely ridiculous and without foundation. In fact, Governor Retton’s husband has admitted to being a technophobe and would have no idea how to activate the android’s sexual protocols.”
Republicans initially greeted Retton’s entry into the presidential race as a strong weapon against Democrats Angelina Jolie and Greg Mathis. A gold medalist at the 1984 Olympics, she is one of the nation’s most recognized faces. Republicans have lauded her conservative Christian values, her spunkiness and her perseverence in the face of hardship, such as the loss of her first husband, Shannon Kelley, to cancer in 2011. But they know her better as a gymnast and a picture on a Wheaties box than as a politician, and say her appeal as a government leader is untested on the national stage.
GOP leaders stood by Retton as the convention finally got underway after a security glitch on Monday temporarily prevented anyone from entering the Moscone Convention Center. President George Prescott Bush spoke briefly to delegates Tuesday night, calling on all factions of the party—including moderates and the cantankerous macho wing—to rally behind Jindal and Retton.
Jindal campaign manager Sal F. Reitchus said the timing of Retton’s acceptance speech was not yet been set. He declined comment on whether she will use that speech to address the controversy swirling around her robot.
According to confidential sources, Geminetrix and Otluver planned to travel to Montreal to get married when Retton and Bells found out about their plans and shut the maid off. Human-android marriages are legal in Canada.
Retton and Bells asked the media for privacy and understanding on what they say is a personal electronics matter.
Jolie also came to Retton’s defense. During a campaign stop in Gary, Ind., she urged reporters to back off the Geminetrix story.
“Let me be clear - children and home appliances are off limits when it comes to campaign rhetoric,” she said. “This is a private matter, and should be treated as such. We all have issues in our own households. Personally, I once caught my kids’ robonanny in bed with Charlie Sheen. But I dealt with it privately.”
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
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. at 12:29 am |
this is the funniest Palin post yet. Terrific. Visit http://www.mulloverthis.wordpress.com for more on the Palin Appointment.
. at 5:04 am |
I thought this kind of scandal and rancor had been put to rest way back in 2 aught aught 8.
I recall that I was personally thrilled that finally someone on a national presidential ticket that was willing to use herself and her family to validate their anti-gay-marriage stance – and if that wasn’t a precedent for android/human marriage, well, I don’t know what might be.
Sarah and Bristol Palin had both stepped up to the plate to validate that marriage is between a man and a woman for the purpose of procreation. I understand it was one of their family values that they cannot apply for a marriage license unless they have proven their fertility with a successful pregnancy – thus Sarah and Bristol were both preggers before marriage as God would expect. WooHoo!!!!
That is certainly putting your va jaja where your mouth is.
. at 3:52 pm |
[...] enthusiastic throng of delegates at the Republican National Convention, and to a national audience riveted over a scandal involving her personal android’s affair with a human construction worker, Gov. Retton used the stage to show that she has the physical agility and athleticism to serve as [...]