October 16, 2028 — Presidential candidates Angelina Jolie and Bobby Jindal squared off Wednesday night in their third and final debate. Host Ryan Seacrest of MSNBC.com’s Meet the Press served as moderator, and in a novel approach, had a panel of celebrity judges rate each candidate on their responses to questions. Here is an excerpt of the debate.
SEACREST: Good evening, everybody. It’s down to the wire. The stakes are high. THIS – is Presidential Idol.
Now that we’ve welcomed the two candidates, I’d like to discuss the format of this debate. Rather than listening to the two politicians prattle on, I’ve invited my former colleagues from American Idol to join me for this event and judge each candidate on his or her response to my questions. So say hello to Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell.
Okay, let’s start with our first question, and it goes to Ambassador Jolie. Ambassador, what do you think is the best approach to engaging our enemies?
JOLIE: I believe we need to understand those rogue states, be respectful of their mores and culture, and take their children away from them.
SEACREST: Okay, let’s hear from our judges. Randy.
JACKSON: Yo yo, dog, so check it out. You’re up there, doing your thang, and girl, it was DA BOMB!
SEACREST: Paula?
ABDUL: I think you have an amazing energy and a magical voice and deserve to be our next president. And by the way, I just loved you in The Addams Family movies.
SEACREST: Uh, Paula, this is Angelina Jolie, not Angelica Huston.
ABDUL: Oh.
SEACREST: And lastly, Simon Cowell.
COWELL: Angelina, loved the answer, hate the dress.
SEACREST: Okay, Ambassador, how do you feel about the judges’ comments.
JOLIE: Well, I like what Paula and Randy had to say, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to take a fashion critique from Simon, of all people. This is a presidential debate, not Project Runway.
SEACREST: Okay, let’s hear from Senator Jindal. Senator, your answer to that question?
JINDAL: I believe we should never engage in dialogue with any country that has ties to terrorist groups, except those with links to Opus Dei.
SEACREST: Okay, Randy?
JACKSON: Yo yo, dog. I thought your answer was a little pitchy in parts. I dunno, it was just alright for me, that’s all.
SEACREST: Paula?
ABDUL: Well, Bobby, I didn’t like that answer as well as your answer to the first question.
SEACREST: Uh, Paula, that actually is the first question he’s answered tonight.
ABDUL: Oh.
SEACREST: And Simon?
COWELL: Well, I had trouble hearing the answer over Paula’s snoring, but I have to say that what I did hear was ghastly. Senator, you’re not worthy of being in my presence.
SEACREST: Senator, how do you feel about what the judges said.
JINDAL: It doesn’t matter what they say. The only thing that matters is what God says.
SEACREST: Okay, onto our next question. This one to you first, Senator Jindal. This year’s deficit will be $120 trillion. What are going to cut back to balance the budget?
JINDAL: Spending is out of control. In the past, presidential candidates have talked about taking a hatchet to the federal budget. I think it needs more than that. I will in fact blow it up with a nuclear bomb.
SEACREST: Judges?
JACKSON: Yo yo, dog, that was pretty bad. Nukes are no good, man.
ABDUL: Don’t listen to him, Bobby. I thought you were fantastic. You took a tired old metaphor and made it your own. And by the way, I just love your old song, Blue Velvet.
SEACREST: Uh, Paula, you’re thinking of Bobby Vinton, the singer. This is Bobby Jindal, the senator from Louisiana.
ABDUL: Oh.
COWELL: Well, Bobby, I think this is the last we’ll be seeing of you. That was a horrendous performance and your suit is way too baggy.
SEACREST: Alright, Ambassador Jolie, what would you cut?
JOLIE: I actually support the proposal put forth by our independent opponent in this race, Ahmnodt Heare, who couldn’t be here tonight. I will create a Coupon Czar. The Coupon Czar will administer coupons and give then to agencies that spend money.
JACKSON: Awesome, dog!
ABDUL: America loves you. You own the stage. And by the way, I just loved your show, Murder She Wrote.
SEACREST: No, Paula. Again, it’s Angelina Jolie. Not Angela Lansbury. Not Angelica Huston. ANGELINA JOLIE!
ABDUL: Oh.
COWELL: Well, first I must say to Paula, it was just an annoyance during American Idol performances, but it’s not appropriate for you to get up and dance during a candidate’s response in a presidential debate. And secondly, Angelina, I thought that was your best performance. Unfortunately, it still was appalling.
SEACREST: Okay, onto our last question. We’ll have the judges wait until both candidates have answered before making their remarks. So, you both have run extremely negative campaign ads. Are you willing to say to each others’ faces the things you have said in your campaigns? Let’s start with you, Ambassador.
JOLIE: Sure. Senator, you are a gun-loving religious fanatic.
JINDAL: And Ambassador, you should be ashamed that you play assassins and terrorists in the movies. And you are possessed by Satan.
SEACREST: Judges?
JACKSON: So check it out. I have to give this one to Angie, baby. Her smear campaign is DA BOMB!
SEACREST: Paula? … , Hello, Paula?…
JACKSON: I think she’s out cold, Ryan.
SEACREST: Okay, so let’s move onto Simon.
COWELL: I give this round to Angelina, because Senator Jindal, you look like an Indian Ichabod Crane. And it was a political karaoke performance.
SEACREST: That concludes our debate for tonight. Up next, a performance by Carrie Underwood.
Don’t forget to cast your vote online. Results announced Nov. 5.
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[...] Heare is still working out a few details, but the Coupon Czar position will become a reality,” Sharpe said. “One stumbling block is how to prevent corruption when the coupons are [...]
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[...] FU political analyst Ima Fullavit says Heare may be benefiting from his decision to sit out of the recent presidential debates, all three of which turned into a farce by the moderators. The worst offense occurred in the third debate on Wednesday, when moderator Ryan Seacrest morphed th…. [...]