by Skip DeKades
October 31, 2028 — A Russian terrorist group is attempting to use weapons of mass obstruction to sway the results of the Nov. 4 presidential election, according to a classified intelligence report obtained by FU.
The National Security Agency report points to a terrorist group known as S’orasa. According to the document, S’orasa cells plan to drop Starch Bombs in red states across the country. FU was unable to determine whether the information has been shared with law enforcement agencies.
A typical Starch Bomb is packed with a starchy gas that can spread over a wide area and severely constipate anyone who ingests the fumes. The group hopes that by detonating the bombs shortly after midnight, people will wake up with colon cramps so severe they won’t be able to leave their homes to vote, the NSA says.
“And even those individuals out of weapons range would stay away from the voting precincts for fear of being affected by the bombs,” the report states. “This would undermine the legitimacy of our election and expand the already record number of Americans who don’t vote.”
The report suggests that S’orasa will target red states, where voters are more likely to support Republican Bobby Jindal, because they want to sway the election in favor of Democrat Angelina Jolie, who they prefer because she is much hotter.
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This is funny. Did you read the “apathy gas” article in The Onion?
Nope, missed that one. I’ve gotta start reading more Onion.