by Skip DeKades
November 5, 2028 — Democratic presidential contender Angelina Jolie pulled a stunning upset victory in yesterday’s presidential election, shocking pundits across the world who had forecast a comfortable victory for Republican rival Bobby Jindal.
Jolie received 44% of the votes cast, while independent candidate Ahmnodt Heare finished second with 33%. Jindal came in dead last with 22% of the popular vote.
The victory belied the polls in the days leading up to the election. Jolie trailed both her opponents by as many as 10 points at one point in the last week. Political analysts say her last-ditch campaign to project her holographic image into every home and appeal for their vote clinched the race.
“I guess it’s time to get that tattoo of an American flag, although I don’t have much room for it,” the ink-saturated president-elect said at a victory party, her running mate Greg “Judge” Mathis, her wife Bitch, her ex-husband Brad Pitt, and her 37 children standing around her.
The former actress and U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations becomes the first white woman to win the presidency. Oprah Winfrey remains the only other woman to have legitimately held the highest office in the land, although Hillary Clinton briefly took over the country in a military coup that was ultimately toppled.
In exit polling, voters indicated that they rejected Jindal because of his selection of West Virginia Gov. Mary Lou Retton as his running mate. Many said they found Retton too inexperienced and annoyingly cute to be a heartbeat away from the presidency.