Lara Croft Nominated to be Secretary of State

by Skip DeKades

Lara Croft

December 2, 2028 — President-elect Angelina Jolie announced today that she is nominating electronic game icon Lara Croft to be her Secretary of State.

Croft would be the first 3D game character to serve in a presidential administration. In a press conference, Jolie justified the nomination on the grounds that she plans to save taxpayers money by conducting more international diplomacy in virtual worlds, allowing the administration to cut down on the cost of traveling to foreign countries.

“Since so much of our diplomacy can be conducted in virtual space, it simply makes sense to recruit someone who is inherently comfortable in the virtual world,” said Jolie, who coincidentally played Croft in two films.

Croft, a British archeologist and global traveler who was created in the United States, is  recognized in the Guinness Book of World Records as the “most successful human video game heroine.” She has been named to Gamefly’s List of Hottest Chicks Ever three times, and served a four-year term as president of the Interactive Game Characters Guild.  

Speaking to reporters from a large computer screen during the press conference, Croft said she looks forward to bringing her vast experience in world travel to the job.

But political analysts are questioning her credentials, pointing to her history of violence and her reckless raiding of tombs and other ruins. They say she may have trouble winning Senate confirmation.

“She’s a 3D cartoon, for crying out loud,” said FU political analyst Ima Fullavit. “What does she know about foreign diplomacy? She can’t walk into a virtual Kremlin with her guns ablazing.”

But supporters say Croft will do a fine job representing the United States, noting that she has saved the world numerous times. 

“She’s proved that she can handle any kind of foreign entity — friend or foe,” said Sonic the Hedgehog, who succeeded Croft as president of the game characters guild last year. “She’s not only dealt with Russian scientists, Asian thugs and a variety of thieves, but also dinosaurs, legendary creatures and supernatural beings.”