Colorado Woman Gives Birth to 20 Infants

by Skip DeKades

Jan. 28, 2029 — A Boulder, Colo. couple has become the proud parents of 12 baby boys and eight baby girls, marking the first birth of icosuplets in history, doctors said.

The 20 infants were born at 1:17 a.m. MT this morning to Jim and Penny Gates.  The babies, who weighed from six to nine ounces, were removed yesterday from an artificial womb made of expandable rubber after 38 weeks of gestation, the University of Colorodo Hospital said in a statement. 

The children were conceived after the couple obtained the most advanced fertility treatments available today.  After tests showed Mrs. Gates was carrying 20 embryos, doctors quickly removed them and placed them in the artificial womb.

Dr. Inga Pulmut, head of the medical staff, said the births had gone flawlessly.  Each of the babies cried spontaneously after birth, which is a good sign, Pulmut said.

“Everything went so smoothly,” Pulmut said. “It was like delivering a large litter of puppies.”

TLC.com has already approached the Gates’ about starring in a new Web-based TV show titled Jim and Penny Plus Twenty.

Space Travel Industry Accused of Price Gouging

by Skip DeKades

January 27, 2029 — Officials in New York state, Florida and California are investigating claims that spacelines are engaging in price gouging as people scramble to leave Earth before a deadly asteroid strikes the planet later this year.

Space fares edged up further Monday even as rocket fuel prices fell to a seven-month low on a strengthening dollar.  Passengers are complaining that the spacelines are taking advantage of the increase in bookings to hike fares more than necessary.

The average fare for a one-way ticket to the Moon is now $35,000, up $4,000 from last year at this time and $1,000 more than last week.  Prices have spiked since NASA Corp. disclosed Jan. 9 that they had detected a two-mile-wide asteroid heading on a collision path with Earth. The impact is expected to swiftly destroy most life on the planet and make it uninhabitable for the survivors.

Florida Attorney General Sonny Day has issued subpoenas to four companies after receiving several hundred price-gouging complaints. And New York Attorney General Priscilla “Prissy” Cooter subpoenaed American Spacelines, U.S. Spaceways and Lunar Spacelines for allegedly charging exorbitant fares. 

Government officials in the European Union and Japan are also investigating claims of price gouging in the space travel industry.

Spaceline executives deny that they are taking advantage of the world’s end, and say the escalating number of people buying tickets off the planet are increasing their costs. “We have to pass those expenses off somewhere,” said U.S. Spaceways Chief Executive Hyrum Pryce.

But Day says the rate hikes are inexcusable. “These price increases will result in only rich people being able to get to the Moon and grab up all the vacant land, leaving middle- and lower-class Americans stuck living on escape vessels.” (President Angelina Jolie has promised to transport every American off the planet via massive space barges.)

But even travelers who can afford the tickets are griping about the cost.

“My wife and I are spending our entire life’s savings to get our family off of Earth,” said Spencer Thurman of Syracuse, N.Y. “American spacelines have been screwing their passengers for years. It was bad enough when they stopped serving freeze-dried meals during flights and restricted artificial gravity service to first-class cabins.”

Man Arrested for Shooting Neighbor’s Android: Is It Vandalism or Murder?

by Skip DeKades

January 23, 2029 — A prominent Miami businessman was arrested Thursday after shooting his neighbor’s personal android in the head. But prosecutors can’t decide whether to charge him with murder or simple destruction of property.

Pedro Pequeño, who owns a chain of night clubs throughout southern Florida, remains in police custody and stands accused of shooting android #R72 after finding the robot in bed with his wife, Brianna. #R72, nicknamed Rusty, was pronounced broken beyond repair at the scene.

Rusty’s owner, Matt Sheen, who lives across the street from the Pequeños, acknowledged that he had let the couple borrow his android to clean their backyard pool, but said he was unaware that Mrs. Pequeño was using the robot for sexual purposes.  He said Rusty was designed to be a working robot, not a sexual aid.

“I loved Rusty like a son,” Sheen said, “and she just used him as a sex toy.”

Dade County District Attorney Victoria Sincorta said the case is unprecedented, and that she has not yet decided what type of charges to file against Pequeño.

“Technically, this android was simply that – an android,” Sincorta said. “But it had become rather sentient over the years.  According to Mr. Sheen, it had come to enjoy gardening and tinkering with cars. It was good with children. So we have to consider that this was the taking of a life and not merely vandalism.”

Mr. Pequeño is being represented by renowned criminal defense attorney Will Gittemoff. In a press conference this morning, Gittemoff said that his client did not kill a homo sapien, so can’t be charged with murder or even a lesser charge.

“The last time I checked, there was no such crime as voluntary or involuntary android-slaughter,” he said sarcastically. “Rusty was a tool, for God’s sake. What next, we’re gonna file murder charges against someone who breaks his wife’s vibrator?”