by Skip DeKades
Peter Zoic of Portland, Ore. walks his pet woolly mammoth
January 8, 2029 — The Portland, Ore. city council last night approved a measure that will require all woolly mammoth owners in the city to clean up their pets’ waste when walking them in public.
Councilwoman Cara Fulsteppen, who introduced the proposed ordinance last October, says the law is necessary in the wake of an epidemic of mammoth manure heaps littering streets, sidewalks and parks.
“My son was out riding his bike the other day, and he turned a corner and plowed right into a mountain of sh_t,” Fulsteppen told FU. “People are already required to clean up after their dogs. They should have to do the same when it comes to woolly mammoths.”
Resurrected from extinction in 2015 when scientists perfected a method for cloning them using preserved DNA samples, woolly mammoths have become popular pets around the nation. For decades, cities including Portland have required to people to keep their dogs on a leash. Portland expanded its law in 2024 to apply to woolly mammoths as well. But city council neglected to mention woollys in a section of the law requiring residents to clean up their pets’ droppings.
Under the new law, which passed unanimously, violators will face fines of up to $10,000 and jail terms of up to 100 days. Local government leaders around the country have been following Portland’s lead and are pushing similar measures regarding woollys.
But mammoth owners in Portland were incensed by the passage of the law. They say cleaning up after a pet woolly is far more difficult than scooping up a dog’s feces. Some say the city should simply send crews out with giant, motorized pooper scoopers to clean up mammoth dung.
“It’s not fair,” said Peter Zoic, who spoke to FU while he was walking his woolly, Tusky. “I can’t be expected to carry a shovel and a hefty bag every time I walk my pet.”
