President-Elect to Propose Planetary Bailout Package

by Skip DeKades

January 12, 2029 – Rushing to reassure a nation frightened by the discovery of a massive Asteroid hurtling toward Earth, President-elect Angelina Jolie this morning announced plans to deliver a planetary bailout proposal to Congress.

“This asteroid represents the greatest threat to humanity since The Macarena,” Jolie said in a speech at Georgetown University. “I’m asking Congress to fund a $2 trillion program that will get every American off the planet, as well as two of every animal, within the next six months.”

NASA Corp. scientists announced Friday that they had detected the two-mile-wide asteroid heading on a direct path toward Earth, with the impact expected to occur by December.  The explosion resulting from the impact is expected to kill billions of people.  The residual dust and ash will block the Sun, which will solve the global warming problem but will leave the planet uninhabitable for survivors.

Jolie said she will present the details of her plan within the week, but that it essentially involves using a huge infusion of taxpayer dollars to transport every American off the planet via massive space barges. Refugee camps will be set up on the Moon. The Jolie plan will also step up funding for the terra-forming of Mars so that people can inhabit that planet as soon as possible.

The president-elect also plans to meet with world leaders to discuss coordinated exit strategies with other nations.  She already has meetings scheduled for later in the week with British Prime Minister Nigel Stuccup and United Nations Secretary General Bono.

Jolie said a side-benefit of her plan will be the creation of at least 1 million new jobs in such areas as spacecraft construction, planetary terra-forming and animal herding. She promised to reserve such jobs for humans, rather than relying on robot labor.

“Americans will be able to find gainful employment and save their own asses at the same time,” she said.

But congressional Republicans are already raising concerns about Jolie’s plans, saying it will create too much government bureaucracy and will generate only short-term jobs.  Some worry that the rescue of animals will also result in foul smells onboard the space transport vehicles.

Lunar Gov. Sergey Brin said the Moon cannot come close to accommodating all the inhabitants of Earth, noting that lunar cities are already becoming overcrowded. 

And the Robotic Workers of America (RWA) decried Jolie’s plans to reserve the bailout jobs for humans, accusing her of discriminating against qualified mechanical units.