U.S. Government Seizes Control of Halliburton

by Skip DeKades

February 27, 2029 — The U.S. Department of Treasury announced this morning that the federal government will acquire national security provider Halliburton and space exploration company NASA, Inc., both of which are on the verge of bankruptcy.

The move returns the country’s national security operations and space exploration to the public sector for the first time in nearly eight years. The government will pay a total of $2 quadrillion to seize control of the two companies and recreate the departments of Defense and Homeland Security, the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

Treasury Secretary Suze Orman said the steps were necessary because both companies were near collapse at a time when their products and services are needed to get people off the planet before an asteroid strikes Earth later this year.  NASA and its subcontractors are building spacecraft to ship Americans off the planet, while Halliburton is setting up refugee camps on the Moon and terra-forming Mars.

Halliburton, which bought the national security operations from the U.S. government in 2021, and NASA, which went private in 2022, have been beset by escalating costs, declining revenues and mountainous debt. Orman said the two companies’ executive management and board of directors will be fired, adding that they have all been guilty of gross fiscal mismanagement.

“We decided it’s better to return these operations to the public sector,” she said. “We don’t have to worry about running up big debts.”

President Angelina Jolie next week is expected to name Sen. Maureen Corr (R-Calif.) as Secretary of Defense and Wyoming Gov. Marshall Lawe (D) as Secretary of Homeland Security.

Christopher Columbus Clone Nominated to be Secretary of State

by Skip DeKades

February 26, 2029 — President Angelina Jolie yesterday nominated a clone of 15th-century explorer Christopher Columbus as Secretary of State.

Jolie praised the Columbus carbon copy, who goes by the nickname Topher to distinguish himself from the original version, as a man who can lead humanity off of Earth before it is destroyed by an asteroid heading its way.

“Topher is the perfect person for the job,” Jolie said. “His original version has extensive experience as a diplomat, and as a coordinator of major expeditions. He can help both the United States and its allies sail into space and find a new New World.”

Topher Columbus was created in 2023 using DNA from the original’s corpse buried in Seville, Spain.  If confirmed by the Senate, he will be the first known human clone to serve in a Cabinet position. (Historians have long speculated that Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense under President George W. Bush, was a bespectacled clone of Attila the Hun, but those suspicions have never been confirmed.)

Republican lawmakers criticized Jolie’s choice, citing what they say is a questionable record.

“It’s clear this guy — or the original version of this guy — was incompetent,” said Senate Minority Leader Eddie Ott. “After all, he landed in the Bahamas and thought he was in Asia.”

Jolie selected Columbus to head the State Department after her original nominee, computer game icon Lara Croft, withdrew her name from consideration because of her alleged links to financial improprieties at the Interactive Game Characters Guild.

Home Values Plummet Amid News of the Apocalypse

by Skip DeKades

February 24, 2029 — Home values in January fell a whopping 60 percent as the economy continues to reel from news of the world’s impending end, according to new government figures.

Ben Kerr, Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. chair, said the home price index is predicting a further 40 percent reduction in home values between now and December, when a falling asteroid is expected to hit Earth and destroy the planet.

“Unless someone finds a way to keep the asteroid from hitting the ground, people will see their property values drop to zero by the summer,” Kerr said in a report to Congress.

The trend leaves millions of homeowners unable to use the proceeds from the sale of their homes to buy new homes on the Moon, where government leaders hope to relocate as many people as possible over the next few months.  The median price for a single-family home on the Moon is now $9 million and climbing.

The lunar government said it can only accommodate a fraction of Earth’s occupants. The rest will have to live on refugee barges that are being built as part of global rescue strategies.

The scarce supply of land available for development on the Moon has sent real estate prices soaring out of reach for all but the wealthiest Earthlings, Kerr said.

Most Americans will find their net worth drop to virtually nothing, Kerr added, since they probably won’t be able to count on insurance to cover their losses.

“People have had a hard enough time just getting flood insurance,” he said. “But most insurance companies won’t cover damages from Armageddon.”