by Skip DeKades
February 10, 2029 — Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Sacha Cheeder admitted Monday that he has lied about his age and identity throughout his storied career, and has used gene enhancement to make himself perform like a man half his age.
In an interview on ESPN.com, Cheeder said he is actually a 75-year-old Cleveland native named Eugene Thompson, and not the 32-year-old former delinquent he has claimed to be since he was signed by the Colorado Rockies in 2014.
“Fifteen years ago, I hit a mid-life crisis and felt enormous pressure to do something significant before I died,” Cheeder said. “I had always dreamed of playing in the major leagues. So I created a new identity, injected myself with some power-hitting DNA I bought on the black market, and managed to get signed by the Rockies.”
Cheeder also admitted to having received some of the most advanced plastic surgery available to keep himself look 40 years younger. He emphasized that he augmented his DNA before Major League Baseball banned performance-enhancing gene therapy in 2024.
“I launched my career using something that later became illegal,” he acknowledged. “I was stupid. But hey, I looked great and I broke a ton of records.”
Cheeder’s interview with ESPN comes after an investigative report on SportsIllustrated.com revealed that the four-time Most Valuable Player, who holds the record for most home runs in a single season (127), had tested positive last year for genetic alterations.
“This is the biggest scandal to hit baseball since the steroid scandals that marred the careers of Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez,” said FU sports analyst Bob Caustic. “The only difference is that Cheeder is a hell of a lot more likeable than Rodriguez or Bonds ever were, so his public esteem may not plummet as much.”
Nevertheless, Cheeder’s admission guarantees that he will never be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. He was expected to break the all-time career home-run record set in 1974 by the late Hank Aaron. Bonds technically broke Aaron’s record in 2006, but Major League Baseball revoked that honor in 2009 after then-commissioner Bud Selig decided to erase records set by any players linked to steroid abuse or other illegal substances. Selig’s action wiped out nearly every record set after 1979.
Very good job of satire. Thanks for the laugh.