by Skip DeKades
February 26, 2029 — President Angelina Jolie yesterday nominated a clone of 15th-century explorer Christopher Columbus as Secretary of State.
Jolie praised the Columbus carbon copy, who goes by the nickname Topher to distinguish himself from the original version, as a man who can lead humanity off of Earth before it is destroyed by an asteroid heading its way.
“Topher is the perfect person for the job,” Jolie said. “His original version has extensive experience as a diplomat, and as a coordinator of major expeditions. He can help both the United States and its allies sail into space and find a new New World.”
Topher Columbus was created in 2023 using DNA from the original’s corpse buried in Seville, Spain. If confirmed by the Senate, he will be the first known human clone to serve in a Cabinet position. (Historians have long speculated that Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense under President George W. Bush, was a bespectacled clone of Attila the Hun, but those suspicions have never been confirmed.)
Republican lawmakers criticized Jolie’s choice, citing what they say is a questionable record.
“It’s clear this guy — or the original version of this guy — was incompetent,” said Senate Minority Leader Eddie Ott. “After all, he landed in the Bahamas and thought he was in Asia.”
Jolie selected Columbus to head the State Department after her original nominee, computer game icon Lara Croft, withdrew her name from consideration because of her alleged links to financial improprieties at the Interactive Game Characters Guild.
[...] too many Americans have nasty botox habits that feed an illegal enterprise,” Columbus, the clone of the fame 15th century explorer, told Swiss Foreign Relations Secretary Jenn Eva. “We’ve created a nation of people who make [...]