Americans Spend Most of Day Detached From Reality, Study Shows

March 31, 2029 – American adults spend an average of 12 hours a day divorced from reality, immersing themselves in 3D television, virtual environments and holographic imagery, according to a new study.

The “Virtual Reality Consumer Mapping” study was conducted by Bowling Green State University’s Center on Interpersonal Disengagement and the Nielsen-funded Council on Research into Societal Deterioration.

For the year-long study, observers recorded the exposure of 275 subjects to four categories of virtual reality: two-dimensional virtual online worlds, immersive 3D television shows, holographic games, and holographic vacations.

The study found the average amount of virtual interaction time for all age groups was “strikingly similar” at roughly 12 hours, although the type of devices and formats used by the respective groups varied.

The researchers found that people under the age of 40 averaged the most time immersed in holographic games and 2D virtual communities, while people 40 and up were more likely to spend time watching 3DTV and vacationing in holographic rooms.

“These findings are an important barometer on the psychological health of America,” said Prof.  Les Frenz, head of the research project. “They demonstrate that people can live full and meaningful lives without having to interact with their families or friends.”

U.S. Brewers Spent Bailout Funds on Imports: Senate May Investigate

March 30, 2029 — U.S. Senate Majority Leader Ben Campenen said this morning he will push for hearings over American brewing executives use of federal bailout money to buy premium imported beers.

“We handed these executives taxpayers money to keep the American beer industry from collapsing, and what do they do but go out to lavish lunches and happy hours and quaff Belgian ales and German pilsners,” Campenen complained.

The U.S. government late last year handed U.S. breweries a $12 billion rescue package to prevent them from bankruptcy and forcing beer prices to record highs. The bailout funds were intended to help the industry restructure itself and start making beers that taste better.

Campenen said he may push for legislation requiring the beer executives to buy their own products to make up for the funds they spent on imports.

“Maybe if they’re forced to drink their own swill, they’ll finally get around to improving it,” he said.

U.S. Vows to Fight Schlock Entertainment Cartels

March 27, 2026—U.S. Secretary of State Christopher Columbus on Thursday pledged to stand shoulder to shoulder with Canada in its struggle against bad-performer cartels, and acknowledged that the U.S. shares blame because of its insatiable appetite for schlock entertainment.

“Far too many Americans enjoy easy-listening stations that play such Canadian imports as Celine Dion, Paul Anka and Ann Murray, and still enjoy such horrendous ‘actors’ as Pamela Anderson and William Shatner,” said Columbus. “We’re enablers.”

Columbus is in Ottawa for talks on ways to help Canada control the trafficking of talentless or “hammy” entertainers, heading up by a celebrity syndicate headed by singer Bryan Adams.

Substandard entertainment imports have long been a focus of tension between the two countries.  Former presidential candidate Ahmnodt Heare even once advocated war against Canada over the issue. Canadian officials have long complained that the U.S. wouldn’t have a problem with bad talent being smuggled in from Canada if  Americans weren’t watching and listening to it.