President Jolie No Longer Sexy, Americans Say

April 29, 2029 — President Angelina Jolie’s first hundred days in office appear to have taken a toll on her health and her sex appeal, bumping her from the Vanity Fair.com list of the most beautiful women in the world.

Faced with a threat to the very existence of humanity, a new cyberhealth epidemic, escalating water prices and a hostile Republican coalition in Congress, Jolie has aged drastically since taking office in late January. A new FU poll shows that 60 percent of Americans view her as no longer sexy.

In fact, 48 percent of respondents say they believe she looks like something out of a horror film.

Jolie in November 2008

 

Jolie after 100 days in office

The results stand to demoralize the American public, which has come to expect its presidents to be extremely good-looking (although they made an exception when they elected Oprah Winfrey in 2016). 

Indeed, many political experts attribute Jolie’s November win over Louisiana Senator Bobby Jindal to the fact that Jindal resembles a meerkat.   

Although the Oval Office has long been known for prematurely aging its occupants, Jolie was expected to be immune to its effects when she took office—in large part because she had the protection of cosmetic enhancements.

But appearing at a press conference Wednesday evening, it was clear that even botox and nano-dermal rejuvenators haven’t protected Jolie from the intense aging process that the highest office in the land inflicts on its occupants. Her appearance at the news conference was so shocking that reporters spent most of the allotted hour asking her questions about her health rather than other, more pressing issues.

Presidential historians say Jolie has aged faster than any of her predecessors, although some attribute the decay as much to her parenting of dozens of children as opposed to her job. 

Aging experts note that this president faces some of the most momentous stressors of any modern president. As her administration tries to spearhead a mass migration off of the planet before an asteroid strikes later this year, Jolie is reportedly sleeping only two to three hours a night and has lost nearly 60 pounds. The Secret Service has changed her code name from “Raider” to “Skeletora.”

The Premature Future: Glow-in-the-Dark Dogs

FU’s occassional step outside the future and into the crazy present

South Korean scientists say they have engineered four beagles that glow red using cloning techniques that could help develop cures for human diseases.  The researchers call the animals the world’s first transgenic dogs carrying fluorescent genes.

Read more…

U.S. Declares Digital Health Emergency

April 27, 2029 – Responding to what some health officials feared could be the beginning of a digital pandemic, U.S. health officials declared a public health emergency on Sunday as 20 cases of cyber infections were confirmed in this country.

The so-called “digital flu” first emerged last week in the virtual world Preferred Life, causing the deletion of 30 avatars and seriously pixelating 65 others.  It then jumped over wireless connections into such devices as pacemakers, under-the-skin GPS chips for self-navigation, neural controllers for personality improvement, and other computerized devices embedded in people’s organs.

Officials haven’t yet determined whether the flu virus is just jumping from the Web onto user’s internal devices, or if it has the capability to jump from person to person.  So far, its symptoms have been varied. It has unnecessarily shocked some hearts, sent false directions into hippocampi, and caused spontaneous personality changes.  

“This is a serious outbreak,” said Norton McAfee, director of the Centers for Silicon Health in Atlanta. “Motorists with embedded GPS devices could end up driving off cliffs. Or a mild-mannered individual with personality-control chip in his brain could suddenly start a bar fight.”

Other nations have imposed computer bans or have made plans to quarantine Web surfers.  Confirmed cases have also appeared in Canada and Europe.   In Vatican City, for example, a tourist was arrested and quarantined after his  cyberleg spontaneously kicked a Pontifical Swiss Guard in the groin.

At a news conference in Washington, D.C., Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe said the threat of a pandemic is enormous because most people spend more time in virtual reality than they do in the real world, heightening their chances of contracting the virus.  Lawe warned Americans to stay away from the Web, although some consumer advocates are already objecting to that request.

“It’s like asking people not to eat or sleep,” said Cy Bernutt, president of the Web Obsessives Organization (WOO).

McAfee advised Americans to run their malware scans hourly, to cover virtual coughs and sneezes, and to stay home and off the Internet if they felt ill; but he stopped short of advice now given in Canada to not email or videomail anyone.

Among the Americans who reported being victimized by the virus was U.S. Senator Harry Peg, (R-Wyo.), who claimed the flu bug infected the morality protector in his prefrontal cortex and misguided him into soliciting an undercover D.C. police officer posing as a prostitute. However, that claim turned out to be false when police scanned Aubseen’s hippocampus and found that Peg didn’t even have a morality chip embedded in his brain, let alone an infected one.