Federal Government Ponders Future Existence

June 29, 2029— The Bureau of Land Management is considering changing its name to the Bureau of Space Management. The Coast Guard is wondering how to operate without any coasts.  And the Federal Bureau of Investigation has asked for a court ruling on whether its jurisdiction extends beyond Earth’s orbit.

These are just some of the hundreds of federal agencies and offices that are pondering how to operate as the nation begins to evacuate Earth to avoid being destroyed by an incoming asteroid.

All three branches of government are trying to figure out how to govern and serve a citizenry that will be scattered across the solar system.  Congress, for example, is pondering how to conduct interplanetary roll call votes.   The Department of Health and Human Services is wondering how to distribute welfare checks.

And other agencies are simply facing obsolesence. The National Park Service, for example, will have nothing to oversee unless Congress somehow passes legislation establishing space as a national landmark.  And attorneys at the Immigration and Naturalization Service are questioning whether the agency has any real borders to patrol.

“The evacuation leaves open the question of who is an illegal and who isn’t,” said INS director Noah A. Leanns. “Do we all need papers once we’re floating in space or trying to find work on the Moon?”

The Census Bureau has the most immediate concern, since it is supposed to start its decennial population count in January. “It’s going to be pretty difficult to count people when they’re scattered all over space,” said Census Director Demi Graffer.  

Some public interest groups say the United States should just abolish itself given the evacuation, saying the government will be too difficult to operate in space.  Many have suggested that the U.S. instead establish an émigré club akin to an alumni association or veterans group.

“We can have reunions on the Moon every five years or so,” said Essie Scape, executive director of the Washington, D.C.-based group “Nation No More.”

Alabama Governor Admits to Future Affair

June 25, 2029—Gov. Will Gettsom of Alabama said today that he will likely have an affair sometime during his political career, and issued a public apology in advance.

“The fact is I am a politician, and that’s what we all end up doing,” Gettsom said during a news conference streamed over the Web. “I’m just getting the admissions over with ahead of time so no one will make a big deal about it if and when I get caught.  I apologize in advance to my wife, my children, and the people of Alabama.”

Gettsom, 46, a Republican who is considered a possible presidential candidate in 2032, said he is not currently in an extramarital relationship and has no immediate plans to start one, but that he expects to take the opportunity when “it inevitably arises.”

Despite decades of sex scandals involving governors, members of Congress and even a sitting president, countless politicians still cheat on their spouses routinely. But in recent years, many of them have admitted to past indiscretions before they are exposed in the press.

“That way, they hope to cut the media off at the pass and douse the public reaction to their infidelities,” said New York psychologist Ann A. Listt.

But Gettsom’s remarks represent the most extreme pre-emptive admission yet, FU political analyst Ima Fullavit said.

“This is the first time in history that we have a politician acknowledging adulterous behavior before it occurs,” Fullavit said.

British Schools Told to Scrap Spelling Lessons

June 24, 2029—The British government has advised elementary schools to stop teaching any rules of spelling to students, arguing that there are too many exceptions.

A 110-page National Strategies document titled “Scrap Spelling” includes a plethora of advice for teachers working with young children, but says spelling is just not worth the effort anymore.

“For every English spelling rule one teaches, there is at least one exception, and often many,” the document states. “And children really no longer need to know how to spell, since all their writing is done on electronic devices that have spell check.”

British education leaders have been scaling back academic requirements for the last 20 years, starting with the 2009 decision to drop the “i before e, except after c” spelling rule from school instruction.  This newest step largely eliminates all forms of reading and writing in British elementary schools. The schools in 2022 eliminated basic reading from its curriculum, allowing students to simply download stories directly to their brains. They can also now use voice-to-text speech for writing assignments.