Federal Government Ponders Future Existence

June 29, 2029— The Bureau of Land Management is considering changing its name to the Bureau of Space Management. The Coast Guard is wondering how to operate without any coasts.  And the Federal Bureau of Investigation has asked for a court ruling on whether its jurisdiction extends beyond Earth’s orbit.

These are just some of the hundreds of federal agencies and offices that are pondering how to operate as the nation begins to evacuate Earth to avoid being destroyed by an incoming asteroid.

All three branches of government are trying to figure out how to govern and serve a citizenry that will be scattered across the solar system.  Congress, for example, is pondering how to conduct interplanetary roll call votes.   The Department of Health and Human Services is wondering how to distribute welfare checks.

And other agencies are simply facing obsolesence. The National Park Service, for example, will have nothing to oversee unless Congress somehow passes legislation establishing space as a national landmark.  And attorneys at the Immigration and Naturalization Service are questioning whether the agency has any real borders to patrol.

“The evacuation leaves open the question of who is an illegal and who isn’t,” said INS director Noah A. Leanns. “Do we all need papers once we’re floating in space or trying to find work on the Moon?”

The Census Bureau has the most immediate concern, since it is supposed to start its decennial population count in January. “It’s going to be pretty difficult to count people when they’re scattered all over space,” said Census Director Demi Graffer.  

Some public interest groups say the United States should just abolish itself given the evacuation, saying the government will be too difficult to operate in space.  Many have suggested that the U.S. instead establish an émigré club akin to an alumni association or veterans group.

“We can have reunions on the Moon every five years or so,” said Essie Scape, executive director of the Washington, D.C.-based group “Nation No More.”

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