President Calls ‘Chardonnay Summit’ Productive

July 31, 2029—President Angelina Jolie yesterday tried to push herself and the nation beyond a political uproar when she hosted Paula Abdul and a security guard who arrested her two weeks ago at Los Angeles International Airport.

Jolie hosted the so-called “chardonnay summit” in the Rose Garden in an effort to strike a chord of harmony between Abdul and security officer Sara Chu. Abdul slapped Chu at a security checkpoint June 28, and was subsequently arrested, after the guard confiscated three bottles of gin that the singer and former American Idol judge had packed in her carry-on luggage. Abdul was angry that Chu singled her out for examination, saying the woman should have recognized her and “treated me like the gift I am.”

The incident sparked a national debate about the rights of celebrity divas to be treated differently than everyone else.

The White House event was designed not only to make peace between the two parties but also to quell the controversy over Jolie’s remarks about the incident. In a press conference last week, Jolie said that the security officer “acted admirably” and that Abdul isn’t the gift she believes herself to be.  The president apologized for the remark two days later.

The wine summit mirrored the historic “beer summit” that former President Barack Obama hosted in 2009 to strike a peace accord between Massachusetts Gov. James Crowley, then a Cambridge police officer, and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., whom Crowley arrested at his home after receiving a 911 call about a suspected burglary there. Gates had accused Crowley of racial profiling. That incident, and criticism that Obama later leveled against the Cambridge police department, sparked a national debate on race.

In a statement issued after the meeting between the three ladies, Jolie acknowledged that Abdul and Chu did not exchange apologies but had a productive conversation.

“I have always believed that what brings us together is stronger than what pulls us apart,” the nation’s first Oscar-winning president said after the highly anticipated meeting ended. “I am confident that has happened here tonight, and I am hopeful that all of us are able to draw this positive lesson from this episode and rise above the bitch-slapping that occurred at LAX.”

The meeting lasted an hour, but was abruptly halted when Abdul passed out and had to be carried away in a stretcher.

Orgasmic Food No Better Than Regular Food, Study Finds

July 30, 2029—Orgasmic produce has no more nutritional or pleasure-producing benefits than conventionally grown fruits and vegetables, according to a major study published Thursday.

Researchers from the Dutch School of Sexology and Nutrition in Amsterdam said consumers were paying higher prices for orgasmic produce because they believe the genetic enhancements in those foods will improve their circulation and sexual responsiveness. These misperceptions have created a global orgasmic market worth an estimated $108 billion.

A systematic review of 162 scientific papers published in the scientific literature over the last 15 years, however, found there was no significant difference between orgasmic foods and conventional foods.

“Our review indicates that there is currently no evidence to support the selection of orgasmic over conventionally produced foods in order to achieve a better climax,” said Peter Galimpp, one of the report’s authors. “The intensity of an orgasm still depends on the skills of one’s partner—or one’s self—and not on high-priced apples and oranges.  If people think they’re having better sex simply because of what they’re eating, it’s all in their heads.”

The results of the research, which was commissioned by the European Union’s Food Standards Agency, were published in the American Journal of  Nutritional Sexuality.

Orgasmic foods hit the market in 2014 after agricultural scientists learned how to mix the genes of herbal aphrodisiacs such as ginseng and gingko biloba into farm crops. The enhanced foods swiftly began outselling conventional foods, despite the higher retail prices, and sparked a new sexual revolution across the globe.

“This discovery means people can opt for less expensive forms of sexual enhancement, such as Vitamin E and oysters,” Galimpp said.

Humorbloggers.com is always orgasmically funny.

 

Seattle Police Break Up Ring of Fake Robots

July 29, 2029—Seattle police have arrested five men and two women who posed as androids in order to get jobs at local law firms, accounting firms and other office settings.

Investigators said the individuals used make-up that made their skin appear synthetic, then sneaked into the offices to get free housing. (Most androids remain at their work sites 24 hours a day.)  The imposters posed as automatic housekeeping staff, robo-maintenance crews and computerized security guards.

The robofraud scheme was uncovered when electronic supervisors at a downtown office complex saw the disguised humans consuming food and soft drinks—something androids do not require to operate.

“When you see a bunch of androids gobbling Five Guys burgers and fries, you know something’s amiss,” said Seattle Police Chief Fay Kerfinder.

Android impersonation has become one of the fastest growing crimes in the country. The identity falsification problem was brought to light last year when New York City officials discovered that three-fourths of the city’s robotic garbage collectors were actually unemployed investment bankers wearing metal casings as disguises.   

Crime experts blame the unemployment trend, and the subsequent adoption of fake robotic identities, on computing power that is taking over most jobs. Unemployment in the United States stood at 25 percent in June. The issue has prompted numerous calls for updating federal affirmative action laws to ensure that carbon-based life forms have equal opportunities in the workplace.