Jesus Christ to Voice GPS System

 
August 28, 2029—Representatives for Jesus Christ have signed an agreement that will allow the son of God’s voice to be used in a navigation system that can be embedded in the brain.

Christ’s voice, which scientists claim they have been able to replicate through extensive research and sound technology, can be downloaded into Garmin InnerNuvi systems via wireless Web-to-brain connections.  Christ channeled the news about the deal through the Rev. Paul Pitt, a Baptist minister in Alabama who claims to speak with the Savior on a regular basis. 

Celebrity voices for navigation became popular back in the early part of the century, when stars ranging from Sean Connery to Mr. T offered up directions on the old dashboard-mounted GPS systems.  The products became controversial when revered folks singer  Bob Dylan allowed his voice to be available for the devices. Dylan’s deal sparked accusations that he had “sold out,” but his voice was eventually pulled from the market when users complained that his diction was too poor for them to understand his directions.   An Ozzy Osbourne version was also recalled after users couldn’t understand the voice directions and ended up in traffic accidents as a result.   

Christ is not the first deceased spiritual leader to voice an internal GPS system.  Garmin rival TomTom currently offers the voices of Mother Teresa, the Rev. Billy Graham, and Moses. 

With the new Garmin release, Jesus can truly be one’s pilot.

 

Asteroid Tour in Poor Taste, Federal Government Says

August 27, 2029—The Department of Homeland Security yesterday issued a strong rebuke against an adventure travel company that is hosting rides aboard the asteroid heading toward a cataclysmic collision with Earth.

“We find this trip to be in extremely poor taste,” Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe said in a statement. “This asteroid stands to destroy the entire planet, and is forcing people to flee their homes and become refugees on the Moon and in space. It’s highly inappropriate for tourists to be joy-riding on the damn rock.”

Inplanetary Excursions, Inc., based in Seattle, is leading the tour that begins next week. A special space shuttle will land aboard the asteroid, and tourists will be able to walk along the rock for several hours. The company is charging participants $100,000 for the outing.

Wanda DeStarrs, president of the travel company, defended the trip as an educational adventure for people curious about the natural phenomena that are swiftly altering the planet.

“It’s really no different,” he said, “than rafting down the melting glaciers on Mount Everest or hiking through the Norwegian desert.

Sea World Ordered to Euthanize Chompy the Shark

August 26, 2029—San Diego County Animal Control has ordered Sea World to euthanize Chompy, the world’s first performing great white shark, saying the domesticated fish is not tame enough to be safe to the public.

Chompy’s show at the amusement park has been on hiatus since he accidentally swallowed his trainer during an Aug. 1 performance.    

Genetic scientists created Chompy in 2028 by injecting DNA from a Labrador retriever into a great white shark embryo.

Chompy’s show at become the biggest attraction at the park since it opened in April, and visitors there yesterday said they were devastated to hear the news about his fate.  

“This is so cruel,” said a Cincinnati, Ohio boy visiting Sea World with his parents. “Chompy made an honest mistake. I mean, I accidentally swallowed a bug once, and nobody’s trying to put me to sleep.”

 What do you think. Should Chompy be put down?