People Incompatible With Earth, Study Finds

September 29, 2029–A new National Academy of Sciences study concludes that humans are hopelessly incompatible with Earth and should no longer occupy the planet.  

The study by an international team of environmental and behavioral scientists shows that humankind’s destruction of the planet over the last millennium is now irreversible, and that even well-meaning efforts to halt global warming and protect nature have backfired.

For instance, humans have dramatically reduced their reliance on fossil fuels for energy over the last two decades. But in the process, vast swatches of forest and wetlands have been destroyed to make way for power-producing solar panel fields and wind farms, the study noted.

“With fewer trees to absorb carbon, we have offset any benefits we may have derived from the increase in clean energy development,” the report states.

Westerners have also cut down on their consumption of beef, which has led to a reduction in the number of cows spewing methane into the atmosphere through their flatulence. (Beef cattle were once the planet’s largest source of methane, one of the biggest contributors to greenhouse gases heating up the planet.) But in the process, humans have increased their consumption of high-fiber foods, resulting in increased flatulence that has kept methane levels high and perpetuated global warming.

“Man just keeps trading one environmentally destructive habit for another,” a report on the study states. “The science is irrefutable,” a report on the study states. “The Earth would simply be better off without people.”

The study is somewhat timely, and at the same time moot, since humans are already evacuating the planet before it is destroyed by an incoming asteroid or the aliens that recently entered the solar system. But the researchers say they hope that the findings will confirm that humans should not occupy any world lest it destroy that planet’s environmental integrity.

Marine Enlistee Volunteers to Play Lucy for Aliens

September 28, 2029—A 22-year-old U.S. Marine corporal has volunteered to pose as Lucy Ricardo and meet with incoming aliens who are fans of the character from the classic 1950s sitcom I Love Lucy, the Pentagon announced today.

Brock Brickeater, who enlisted in the Marines two years ago and is currently stationed at Camp Brogan on the Moon, will disguise himself as the zany redhead in order to help the federal government convince the extra-terrestrials to save the planet from destruction.  The aliens, hailing from the planet Btjmgh, have informed astrobiologists that they will destroy the asteroid headed toward Earth if they have a chance to meet and hob-knob with Ricardo, whom they apparently believe is a real person.  The late comedienne Lucille Ball played the character from 1951-1960.

“We want to commend Corp. Brickeater on his courage in taking on this dangerous mission,” said Defense Secretary Maureen Corr during a Monday morning press conference. “We pray that he can fool the aliens into believing he is Lucy Ricardo so they’ll save life as we know it.”

Brickeater, who appeared at the press conference wearing the garb that he will don for his meeting with the Btjmghns, demurred.

“I don’t normally dress up in women’s clothing, but this is for my country, so I’m happy to put on some make-up and pretty clothes,” he said.

World leaders are criticizing the Pentagon’s strategy, arguing that it risks angering the Btjmghns if they figure out that they’re being fooled.

“Nobody — not even an extra-terrestrial — is going to fall for this deception,” said French President Jean-Luc DuBois.  “It’s like sending a mute disguised as Muammar Gaddafi to address the U.N.  Who in their right mind would believe it?”

Michael Vick Injured in Dog Attack

September 25, 2029—Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Michael Vick was severely injured in a dog attack Thursday evening, sustaining injuries that will force him to miss Sunday’s game in Baltimore against the Ravens.

Vick

Vick had exited his car and was walking toward his front door  when the female pit bull broke loose from its leash,  headed directly toward him and attacked.  Vick suffered lacerations to his right leg and buttock.

“It was amazing,” Lee Thalpett, owner of the dog, Daisy, told FU.  “We were just on a leisurely, quiet walk, and suddenly she went berserk. There were several people on the street. She could have attacked anyone of them, but it was like she singled out Coach Vick.”

The Humane Society of the United States was quick to voice its sympathies for Vick,  but still pointed out the irony of the attack, recalling the former star quarterback’s 2007 conviction on charges related to a dogfighting ring that he ran.  Vick spent 18 months in prison.  After his release, he played briefly for the Philadelphia Eagles before retiring and has been a longtime crusader against dogfighting.   

“Because of his work on behalf of abused animals, we feel Mr. Vick has redeemed himself,”  said Humane Society President Annie Mulover. “But dogs tend to have a strong sense about people, and apparently this particular animal is not as forgiving as we are.”