Scientists Charged With Time-Traveling Crimes

November 30, 2029—Two scientists were arrested in Geneva yesterday for using the space-time continuum to prevent what was the world’s largest atom smasher from destroying the Earth.

Interpol said German particle physicist Roland D. Klochbach and Japan’s Dr. Takumi Tayama sent some energy surges back to 2008 and again to 2010 to overheat the Large Hadron Collider and shut it down before it could find the Higgs boson that explains the origins of mass in the universe.

Until recently, scientists had believed the Higgs boson was so abhorrent to the universe that simple forces of nature traveled back in time to stop the LHC, which was shut down in 2011 after repeated technical difficulties.  But researchers last week traced some ripples in the space-time continuum to Klochbach and Tayama, who work together at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, which built the proton collider.

Klochbach and Tayama told investigators that they sabotaged the LHC experiments because they feared the Higgs boson search would create a black hole 20 years ago that would have swallowed the planet.  Authorities said the scientists will be charged with temporal vandalism and illegal use of the space-time continuum.

“We appreciate the fact that they were trying to save the universe and all, but we simply can’t have people traveling back in time,” said Cosmo Kepper, chief of Interpol’s Crimes Against Nature Unit. “The next thing you know, someone will travel back in time and kill the great, great, great, great grandparents of one of their arch enemies so that that hated individual was never born in the first place. Or people will commit suicide by going back in time and killing their parents before they’ve had a chance to conceive them.”

But some physicists say time travel has received a bad rap and could actually be used to benefit humankind.

“Think of the horrible things that have happened, that we could go back in time to prevent,” said Italian physicist Rella Tivitti. “Using the scientific advances and wisdom we have today, we could prevent such scourges on humanity as the bubonic plague, global warming, high fructose corn syrup, or the mullet.”

Millions to Remain Stuck on Moon for Thanksgiving

November 23, 2029—Millions of Americans are expected to remain stranded on the Moon during the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, as the spaceline industry struggles with overbooked flights and long lines at the space elevator.

Demand for space trips back to Earth have quadrupled over the last three weeks in the wake of news that the supposed asteroid threat to the planet was all a hoax.  U.S. Spaceways, for example, says it has more than 80,000 customers on standby lists.  And the skyrocketing demand has led to exorbitant fares that are leaving many refugees unable to afford a trip home.

“The fare structure is nuts,” said Emma Stucke, who fled her home in Arlington, Va., in August and has been living in a refugee camp near the city of Craterburg. “A one-way ticket back to Earth costs $35,000. A round-trip ticket costs half of that. But why the hell would I want a round-trip ticket?”

The spacelines are hiking fares despite the fact that 10 state attorneys general are investigating claims that the companies engaged in price gouging during the massive and ultimately unnecessary exodus from Earth earlier this year.

“We truly believe the spacelines tried to take advantage of asteroid crisis before it was exposed as a hoax,” said Florida Attorney General Sonny Day. “Now they appear to be pulling the same tricks to exploit everyone’s eagerness to return home in time for turkey, pumpkin pie and Black Friday deals. 
 
Meanwhile, the space elevator has been operating at double capacity for the past two weeks and has broken down twice. Moon refugees have already formed long lines to buy tickets for travel home in time for Christmas.

FU transportation analyst Otto Buss said the travel crisis on the Moon is actually good news for people still on Earth.  Since more than half of the population is stuck off-planet, traffic on U.S. highways should be significantly reduced over the holiday weekend.

Senate Bill Would Ban Nose-Picking While Driving

November 19, 2029—A bipartisan bill introduced Wednesday would provide incentives for states to ban drivers from picking their noses while behind the wheel.

The legislation, introduced in the Senate, is the latest measure designed to curb deaths and injuries due to so-called distracted driving.

The measure attracted a fair amount of support during a Senate committee hearing on Wednesday, but some lawmakers said legislation should be left up to the states, while others called it too extreme. 

Sen. Wynn Power, (D-N.J.), chairman of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, and Trey Fick (R-Ariz.), chairman of the Commerce Subcommittee on Surface Transportation and Merchant Marine Infrastructure, Safety and Security, believe their legislation will save lives.

“Over the years we’ve barred drivers from talking or texting on handheld devices, eating and drinking, and even talking with other passengers in the car,” Power said at the hearing.  “But we still have too many traffic accidents and fatalities, because we have people concentrating too hard on clearing their noses. Banning nose-picking seems to be the ultimate way that we can make sure people aren’t distracted when they’re behind the wheel.”
 
People “are driving lethal weapons,” and digging around in your nasal cavity while doing so is “the grossest kind of negligence,” Fick said.
 
Power said studies show more than 916,500 drivers pick their noses while behind the wheel at any given moment. Last year, 5,800 people were killed due to nose-picking drivers.
 
The legislation would create a grant program for states that enact laws prohibiting nose-picking while driving and impose significant penalties for drivers who cause an accident.
 
Sen. Lee Bertarian (R-Calif.) said he thinks states should take the lead in developing such laws, but added that even state legislation that impose nose-picking restrictions goes too far.
 
“There a certain innate, semi-private human behaviors that occur no matter where one is—at home, behind the wheel, in a public restroom stall,” he said. “We can’t legislate against all of that. What’s next? Are we going to ban blinking while driving?”