November 2, 2029—NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan resigned today as allegations mounted about his leading role in the end-of-the-world fraud scheme that sent billions of people fleeing the planet.
While denying that he engaged in any intentional conspiracy to defraud the world, Phiphan said he needed to devote full attention to clearing his name and wanted to avoid bringing down the presidency of Angelina Jolie.
“While it’s clear my earlier warnings about a massive asteroid approaching the planet were incorrect, they were based on innocent miscalculations on the part of NASA scientists,” he said. “I am guilty only of incompetence.”
Phiphan’s decision stems from an FU investigation showing that he spearheaded the massive government scheme to concoct the asteroid story in order to steer lucrative contracts to LockMartin Corp. for the construction of planetary evacuation ships. LockMartin allegedly agreed to pay kickpacks to Phiphan and numerous government officials in exchange for the contract award.
President Jolie issued a statement saying she deeply regretted losing Phiphan as a member of her administration.
“Cy has been a devoted NASA leader, and had the planet’s best interest at heart throughout this crisis … which, uh, I guess turned out not to be a crisis after all … but if it were, we would have been in good hands,” she said. “He is a fine, albeit stupid, American.”
But FU has learned that the Federal Trade Commission has launched an investigation into the scandal, after confirming that the plummeting space rock caught on satellite video was in fact a LockMartin-constructed spacecraft built in the shape of an asteroid. Documents leaked by a LockMartin whistleblower indicate that company executives conspired with NASA officials to build the ship so they had images to back up their story about the asteroid. The FTC is investigating the matter because a Seattle-based space travel company charged consumers $100,000 per ticket to take tours aboard the disguised craft.
