Titavanater Set to Revolutionize Filmmaking

December 18, 2029—When James Cameron released his 3D epic Avatar 20 years ago today, critics predicted—accurately—that it would forever change the face of movie-making.

Cameron, 75, is about to top that feat with today’s release of his new film, Titavanater. The new film is reported to be the most expensive movie ever made, ringing in at $1.67 billion.

Cameron

The production is being touted as the first full-length film presented in 5D—meaning viewers will not only see the images in three-dimensional format but will literally share the physical sensations and emotions of the characters on the screen.

The story focuses on vagabaond Karl Rice (Levi McConaughey, son of veteran actor Matthew McConaughey), who stows away aboard a towing spaceship and meets a beautiful, blue alien named Rosetiri (played by a computer-generated image), the melancholy fiancé of one of the crewmen.  The two fall in love and then find themselves running for their lives from a predatory space monster and a cyborg assassin from the future, all while a hull breach starts breaking the ship apart and sucking passengers out into space.

Cameron, who directed such 20th century classics as Titanic, Terminator and Aliens, employed groundbreaking stereoscopic and neuro-stimulation filmmaking technology in making the film. The technique uses projectors and other advanced electronic equipment designed to stimulate each viewer’s senses.

“The people in the audience will feel the orgasmic intensity of the interspecies lovemaking between the two protagonists,” Cameron said. “They’ll feel the stark terror of seeing a cyborg approaching them with guns blaring. They’ll feel the intense abdominal pain of an incubating alien ready to hatch from their guts. And they’ll suffocate as they watch the cast sucked into the vast vacuum of space as the ship falls apart.”

20th Century Fox, which is distributing the film, is warning theaters to have emergency medical technicians and mental health professionals on hand to assist audience members as they leave the theater.

New Holographic Christmas Trees Make Holidays Hassle-Free

December 15, 2029—A new holographic Christmas tree that went on sale on Black Friday has become one of the hottest selling items of the holiday season.

The Holoday Tree system has generated more than $1.8 billion for its manufacturer, Digital Décor, Inc., since it hit shelves and online stores on Nov. 27. 

The product comes with a portable projector that allows you to transmit the 3D image of your tree in any room of the house or office. The beamer box includes a menu of more than 175 different trees to select from.  What’s more, you can change the color of your bulbs and other tree decorations at any time via an easy-to-learn user interface.        

“The Holoday Tree can save you a multitude of yuletide hassles, including trudging to the tree farm, hauling it back home, setting it up and decorating it, and cleaning up the dead needles at the end of the holiday season,” said Abby Neezer, Digital Décor’s chief marketing officer. “Other people can avoid the hassle of pulling an artificial tree down from the attic every December.”

Neezer says the huge success of the Holoday tree is spurring the company to prepare new virtual holiday décor for next year, including holographic candles, menorahs, wreaths, garlands, nativity scenes, and cheesy ceramic snowmen.

“Soon, all the decorating stresses of the holidays will be gone,” says Neezer, ”and the only thing left to dread will be shopping, the office Christmas party, and ‘Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.””

Tiger Woods to Endorse Bouncing Car

December 9, 2029—Tiger Woods, long a pariah to advertisers because of his stormy personal life, has landed an endorsement deal for the first time in 20 years.

The former golf pro, 53, has signed a contract to become the official spokesman for ToyotaFord’s new rubberized car, The Bouncer.  The vehicle is designed to protect drivers from injuries by bouncing off trees, fire hydrants and other cars during collisions. Its windows are made of a strong flexible plastic that can withstand golf clubs striking against them by emotionally charged spouses.

Woods, who is considered one of the greatest professional golfers of all time and dominated the sport in the early part of the century, lost of all his endorsement contracts in 2009 after his image was tarnished over allegations of serial marital infidelity.  He once held endorsement deals with General Mills, Titleist, General Mills, American Express, Nike and Gillette.  Gatorade even gave Woods his own brand of sports drink, which it pulled from the market shortly after the allegations about his extramarital arose. His first wife, Swedish model Elin Nordegren, divorced him in 2010.

Woods has launched a series of his own product lines, all of which have failed. The latest, an artificial knee called “The Tiger Woods Knee Jerk,” was pulled from the market earlier this year due to poor sales. 

In addition to his storied golf career, Woods is considered one of the top philanderers of all time, with more than 10,000 women claiming to have had affairs with him. In 2023 he was named to Details.com Magazine’s “Top 10 Mansluts of All Time”  list, joining such legends as Wilt Chamberlain, Charlie Sheen and Genghis Kahn.