Applesoft Unveils the iPotty

January 28, 2030—Applesoft yesterday introduced the iPotty, a new portable entertainment device that plays music, video and surfs the Web, and also folds out into a porta potty.

Steve Jobs 3.0, the second clone of the late Apple founder Steve Jobs, unveiled the device at a special press event in San Francisco.  The tablet-like device possesses many of the same features and functions of past Applesoft devices, including the iPad, the iPhone, the iPod and the iPistol. But its casing folds out into four walls and a commode that contains a powerful drill for boring holes in the ground—even concrete.  This allows users to relieve themselves anytime, anywhere.

“What’s more, the screen stays open on one wall of the porta john, so users can continue to watch their videos or surf the Web while they’re taking care of business,” Jobs 3.0 said.
 
The introduction of the iPotty has been rumored for weeks, and has been the most highly anticipated device from the company since it acquired Microsoft in 2018.  The iPotty will retail for $2,099.  New AT&T will be the exclusive distributor, which has many consumers upset.  AT&T is also the exclusive dealer for Applesoft’s last major release, the iPen, and many consumers have blamed the carrier for the device’s sluggish ink flow.

Parents Starting Marital Therapy for Pre-schoolers

January 21, 2030—Mia and Pat Ternell were worried that their six-year-old daughter Annie wasn’t smiling very intensely. So the divorced couple enrolled their child in a special marital education class for preschoolers.

“Annie had a cute smile, but it just wasn’t wide enough, and we know that studies show weaker smiles mean a greater chance that she will divorce in middle and old age,” Mia Ternell said.

The Ternells are among a growing number of parents across the country who are trying to heighten their children’s chances to having happy marriages when they reach adulthood. Parents are responding to numerous studies that link childhood photos with happiness levels in later married life.

“I didn’t want her to suffer the fate that Mia and I did,” Pat Ternell said about his daughter. “Now that I look back at my childhood photos, I see that my smile was kind of crooked, which is probably why our marriage crumbled.”

Scientists believe that the quality of a person’s smile reflects his or her underlying emotional characteristics, and therefore their ability to keep a lasting, happy relationship. Children with half-hearted grins are found to have far more marital discord later on, studies show.

Psychologists have developed therapies designed to prevent future marital problems by helping children develop better smiles.

“We figure if we start working on their smiles at an early age,” said renowned family psychologist Mary G. Savor,  “each individual will be better able to grin and bear marriage no matter who they wed.”

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