DHS Secretary Used Asteroid Scare for Real Estate Fraud, Mistress Claims

October 28, 2029—Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme to fraudulently evacuate the planet in order to help enrich a California businesswoman with whom he was having an extra-marital affair, FU has learned.

Federal investigators have uncovered Lawe’s role in the scam after questioning Sela House, an Orange County real estate mogul who admitted beginning a romantic relationship with Lawe in 2027.  House admitted in an affidavit that she and Lawe volunteered to help NASA and the Pentagon perpetuate the asteroid-plummeting-toward-Earth hoax so that they could manipulate housing values. A copy of the affidavit was leaked to FU.

Lawe is the second top-ranking federal official to be implicated in the Apocalypse-gate scheme, joining NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan, who resigned under fire on Monday.  Republican lawmakers are calling on Attorney General Beau Biden to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the scandal.
 
According to the affidavit, Lawe and House knew the reports about the coming end of the world would send real estate prices plummeting as people abandoned the planet to avoid annihilation from what they were told was an incoming asteroid.  The lovers then planned to buy up real estate across the country, and wait for the value of those holdings to soar once NASA reported the asteroid scare as a false alarm.

Lawe declined comment on the matter.  A spokesman at the Homeland Security Department he is at home in Philadelphia asking forgiveness from his wife, Dee Vohrse-Lawe.

Walmart Greeters Fired for Insincere Smiling

 
October 1, 2029—A Walmart store in Ohio today publicly defended its decision to fire three greeters after its smile detector system calculated that they grinned insincerely at customers walking into the store.

“We have to make sure our patrons are receiving the friendliest service possible,” Walmart President Lou Price said in an interview with FU.  “That’s one of the big reasons they shop here. We can’t have our greeters giving customers disingenuous grins.”

The three employees, all working at a store in the town of Chillicothe, were fired Monday.  The dismissals have led to a boycott of that store and a firestorm of bad publicity for the entire Walmart chain.  City Councilman Barry Geunheunter has accused the company of unfair labor practices.

Walmart installed the employee smile detectors throughout its stores worldwide last year to make sure greeters were welcoming each customer with a friendly face.  The wireless hubs are attached to headpieces that each employee must wear.  Those headpieces measure eye and mouth movements and send data back to the hub, which in turn calculates whether or not the facial measures represent a smile. But Walmart decided in May to add software upgrades to the detection systems to make sure the employees’ smiles were genuine. 

One of the fired employees, Emma Cheezer, told FU that she has a stellar record of authentic smiling while on the job. But she said she believes she was fired for insincerely smiling at a customer that she recognized as the man who had carjacked her an hour earlier as she drove to work.

New Robotic Alarm Clock Beats You Awake

September 24, 2029—General Electric has announced the upcoming release of a robotic alarm clock that slaps, punches and kicks you to make sure you wake up in the morning.

The Snoozer Bruiser, scheduled to hit stores by the holiday season, is designed for people who have chronic problems with oversleeping.  Sensors in the Bruiser’s neural network will determine if you’re sleeping through the alarm bell, signaling it to start assaulting you to get you out of bed.  It also begins beating you up immediately if you hit the snooze button.

The robot will sell at the suggested retail price of $29.99 and will be available in online stores everywhere. The device comes in two colors—black and blue.