Future Update

July 7, 2028 — The funeral business has always been considered immune to economic slowdowns.  Death doesn’t take a vacation during a recession. 

But now the industry faces a trend that could eat away at its armor for decades to come; fewer and fewer people are dying.

These were suppose to be the boon years for the death industry, with millions of baby boomers finally hitting their 80s.  But with people now typically living well past their 100th birthday — thanks to genetic vaccines, intracellular disease scavengers, organ cloning and a host of other medical breakthroughs occurring over the last 20 years — funeral homes are finding it increasingly difficult to get bodies in the door.

Doug Graves, a funeral director in Naperville, Ill., is one of them.  The number of services at his funeral home has fallen by 45 percent over the last five years.

“All the really old people are already dead, and the rest are living longer than anyone ever expected,” Graves complained. “If this keeps up, I’ll have to close down. Nobody ever thinks about us funeral directors when they’re inventing a new cure for cancer.”

More than 150 funeral homes went out of business in 2027, according to the American Funeral Directors’ Association. And another 175 are expected to shut down by the end of this year, the group says.

The decline in funerals is having rippling effects throughout other segments of the economy.  Casket manufacturers and distributors are reporting sharp declines in orders, and crematoriums are also struggling.  Many car manufacturers have been forced to start marketing hearses as luxury cars. 

Funerals will eventually return to sustainable numbers, promises Dr. Makhu Betah, FU chief medical analyst.

“We’re simply in a transition period,” Betah says. “People who 20 years ago would be dead are now set to live for another 20 years, so by the middle of this decade, those funeral homes that are still in business should see business increase — unless we’re able to increase the average life expectancy even more by then.”

And American funeral homes could have it a lot worse, Betah adds.  The U.S. life expectancy still trails 30 other countries, meaning funeral directors in other parts of the world are hurting even more.

“Our continuing struggle with the obesity rate and overall sloth is keeping the funeral industry from going completely under,” she says.

June 30, 2028 — Google has closed a deal to sell the United States back to the American public for the same price it paid to acquire the federal assets in April.

Google Chief Executive Larry Page and President George Prescott Bush, who has agreed to return to the White House for the final months of his term, announced the agreement in a joint news conference this morning.

“We are selling the assets back to you for the same $300 zillion that we paid,” Page said. “I just want the dump this bloody thing as soon as I can.”

Since Google closed its purchase of the federal government in April, Page has weathered a shareholder revolt led by nonagerian billionaire Carl Icahn and an attempted military coup by former Sen. Hillary Clinton.  Clinton’s troops held Page and his family captive for two weeks until moon troops swept in and toppled the regime.  While the public seemed to be satisfied with the privatization of the federal government, tradtional power brokers warned that Google was turning into a dangerous technocratic empire.  

Bush said his first order of business will be to reassemble Congress and the executive branch, and to pardon all conservatives held as prisoners in Googleplex cells, except for pundit Ann Coulter.

“I don’t think anybody knows what to do with that nut job,” said a Bush supporter who asked to remain anonymous.  

Bush said he will decide how to punish Clinton for her attempt to take over the nation. But Democrats argue that the fact that former First Lady was forced to share a cell with Coulter should be punishment enough.   

Meanwhile, both the Democratic and Republican parties promised to proceed with their conventions that had been cancelled when the U.S. was sold.   Bush has not yet said whether he will seek re-election.  Democrats reportedly considering a presidential bid include former Senator Sherrod Brown (Ohio), Rep. Adrian Fenty (D.C.), U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Angelina Jolie, and, of course, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (Ohio).