Michael Phelps Admits to Faking Marijuana Use for Publicity

November 13, 2029—Michael Phelps’ upcoming autobiography contains a shocking admission that he never actually used illegal drugs during his storied career in competitive swimming.

According to an excerpt of the autobiography, “Wet,” published today in Googlenews.com, the 14-time Olympic gold medalist says he actually leaked a fake photo to a British tabloid in 2009 showing him using a bong to smoke marijuana (then a controlled substance).  USA Swimming subsequently suspended him from swimming for three months.

“I thought I could eventually sell more copies of my memoirs if I had a blemish on my image that I could talk about in detail,” Phelps confesses. “I figured people would want to read about how ashamed and humiliated I was.”

He said he later sent a letter to USA Swimming admitting that he faked the photo for money-making purposes, but that the organization ignored his confession because it wanted to convince the public that it was cracking down on illegal drug use in the sport.

Retired tennis pro Andre Agassi, who wrote a 2009 autobiography in which he admitted to illegal drug use during his career, issued a statement sharply criticizing Phelps.

“I think Michael has learned that over the years that celebrities who admit to past drug use—myself, LeBron James, Bill Clinton—are a dime a dozen,” Agassi said. “So he’s decided to cash in by claiming to have faked bad behavior instead of actually having engaged in it. To me he’s right up there with [actor] David Duchovny.”

Agassi was referring to longstanding rumors that Duchovny lied about being a recovering sex addict back in 2008 in order to boost ratings for his TV show, “Californication,” in which he played a sex addict.

Sosa Says Face Cream Made Him Look Like Asian Woman

November 11, 2029—Sammy Sosa says a revolutionary cosmetic cream he uses to soften the skin around his cheeks and eyes is the reason he now resembles an Asian woman.

The former Chicago Cubs slugger, whose use of cosmetic creams and hair-straightening products has drawn attention for two decades, was photographed at a gala event in Las Vegas last week with a noticeably different face and ostensibly new gender.

Sosa, who turns 61 tomorrow, says he is not suffering from any skin illness and has not undergone any gender-alteration surgery or ethnicity-changing treatments. He says he has been using a revolutionary cream for a long time, and combined with bright camera lights that made him squint, it made his face look feminine and Asian.

Sosa in 2005 (left) and today

Where Are They Now – Bad Boys of the 00s

September 18, 2029

Kanye West
The acclaimed rapper, record producer and author received numerous awards throughout the first decade of this century, but his career steadily disintegrated because of his constant attention-seeking stunts at award shows. His stature finally took a nose dive after the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when he interrupted country music star Taylor Swift, who was accepting the award for Best Female Video, to say fellow-nominee Beyonce’s video was one of the best of all time. Kanye received strong rebukes for his behavior, and subsequent albums were flops. He tried to revive his career in 2011 with a cable TV talk-show, but the program was cancelled after only five airings because his producers failed to find any celebrities willing to be guests.  Today, West is a motivational speaker but rarely attracts anyone to  his presentations.

2006

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

2029

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

Jon Gosselin
Gosselin became famous for raising twins and a set of octuplets with his spouse on the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8,  then – during divorce proceedings — claiming his wife verbally abused him.  He became the poster boy for early-onset mid-life crises when, at the still young age of 32, he began partying heavily and cavorting with women more than a decade his junior.  Today, Gosselin is divorcing his fifth wife, Stefania, and has filed for personal bankruptcy, claiming he can no longer afford his massive alimony and child-support payments.  (He has 27 children across his five marriages, as well as six grandchildren.)  While first wife Kate is enjoying a thriving career as a talk-show host, Jon currently is unemployed and lives in Pennsylvania, where he sits around and feels sorry for himself.

2007

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2029

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Levi Johnston
Johnston was the subject of intense media scrutiny during the 2008 presidential campaign, when he was the teen-age fiancé and father of the child of Bristol Palin, daughter of Alaska governor and Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin.  A few months after the election and the birth of his son Tripp, Johnston and Paliin ended their engagement, and he began a long-running public feud with the Palin family. A high-school dropout, Johnston took a job as an apprentice electrician and tried to land modeling jobs.  His good friend, comedienne Kathy Griffin, helped him land some gay-for-pay porn roles, but a back injury forced him into early retirement.  He continued a smear campaign against Sarah Palin, but disappeared in late 2011 and has not been seen or heard from since.  Many speculate that Palin had Johnston murdered so he wouldn’t taint her 2012 run for the White House.  But police have never found any evidence linking the former politician, now the host of The Palin Program on FoxNews.com, to Johnston’s disappearance.

 

2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2029