People Incompatible With Earth, Study Finds

September 29, 2029–A new National Academy of Sciences study concludes that humans are hopelessly incompatible with Earth and should no longer occupy the planet.  

The study by an international team of environmental and behavioral scientists shows that humankind’s destruction of the planet over the last millennium is now irreversible, and that even well-meaning efforts to halt global warming and protect nature have backfired.

For instance, humans have dramatically reduced their reliance on fossil fuels for energy over the last two decades. But in the process, vast swatches of forest and wetlands have been destroyed to make way for power-producing solar panel fields and wind farms, the study noted.

“With fewer trees to absorb carbon, we have offset any benefits we may have derived from the increase in clean energy development,” the report states.

Westerners have also cut down on their consumption of beef, which has led to a reduction in the number of cows spewing methane into the atmosphere through their flatulence. (Beef cattle were once the planet’s largest source of methane, one of the biggest contributors to greenhouse gases heating up the planet.) But in the process, humans have increased their consumption of high-fiber foods, resulting in increased flatulence that has kept methane levels high and perpetuated global warming.

“Man just keeps trading one environmentally destructive habit for another,” a report on the study states. “The science is irrefutable,” a report on the study states. “The Earth would simply be better off without people.”

The study is somewhat timely, and at the same time moot, since humans are already evacuating the planet before it is destroyed by an incoming asteroid or the aliens that recently entered the solar system. But the researchers say they hope that the findings will confirm that humans should not occupy any world lest it destroy that planet’s environmental integrity.

L.A. Residents Arrested for Exceeding Water Rations

August 11, 2029—Los Angeles police arrested 12 people Tuesday in raids aimed at stopping residents from exceeding daily water rations.

Police said they took the residents, all homeowners in the city’s Brentwood section, into custody for exceeding their monthly ration of water for their homes, then trying to tamper with their water meters to make it appear that they had stayed within their limits. 

The city has had the water usage restrictions in place for a decade as longstanding drought conditions forced Southern California cities into rationing mode. 

“These violations of the water restrictions were highly egregious,” said Police Chief Harlan Thomas Oliver. “In one case, a man spent five minutes in the shower—a whole three minutes past his allotted time. And another woman flushed her toilet twice in one week.”

Environmental experts are applauding the LAPD’s actions, saying too many Californians are trying to skirt the water limitations.
 
“There’s just no excuse for this,” said Connie Servashon, president of the public interest group Save Our H2O. “With the conservation technologies available today, from sweat converters to urine recyclers, people can rely on their own bodies for water and shouldn’t have to abuse the public water supply.”

‘Cash for Crappers’ Funds Nearly Depleted

August 6, 2029—The national “cash-for-crappers” program, which provides rebates to people who trade in their old toilets for new, more environmentally-friendly models, has proved so popular that the government is in danger of running out of money for the program.

Senate leaders are expected today to vote on adding more funding to the $1 billion program. Environmental Protection Agency Chief Leonardo DiCaprio said his agency has already paid for $750 million worth of toilet trade-ins and will need more money to meet the ongoing lineup of people wanting to swap their commodes for cash.

Congress last year approved the “crappers” program, which was supposed to last for two years.  The House has already moved to add another $1 billion to the program by using money intended for tree-planting loan guarantees.

Hardware and appliance stores across the country have been pushing Congress to keep the program running. Under the deal, people can turn in their old-fashioned toilets for a voucher worth up to $5,000 toward a new model.  The old commodes are recycled into bird baths and outdoor flower pots.

DiCaprio and many members of Congress are hoping the program will encourage Americans to use next-generation mobile toilets equipped with water jets that automatically wash and blow dry a users’ private parts for them after they relieve themselves and flush.  The intent is to reduce the heavy use of toilet paper, which is linked to deforestation, global warming, and messy Halloween pranks.

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