The Premature Future: Engineered Rabbit Penises

FU’s occassional step away from the future and into our crazy present. 

Using tissue grown in a laboratory, researchers have engineered fully functional replacement penises. The organs were made for rabbits, but the technique may someday be useful for people. 

 ”This technology has considerable potential for patients requiring penile construction,” wrote researchers in a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Oddly, the procedure seemed to make the rabbits randier than usual. 

We predict that this will lead to a thriving new industry of penile-growth products that will far outsell Viagra and other erectile dysfunction  treatments .   But men will be advised to call their doctor if their new penis continues to grow for more than four hours.

CDC to Ration Death Vaccine

November 9, 2029—Federal health officials announced today that, because they have to ration the scarce supply of the new death vaccine, they will withhold the medication from groups that have been identified in public opinion polls to be the least deserving.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released its vaccine distribution plan during a morning press conference, emphasizing that it only has enough of the vaccine to immunize the most at-risk populations, such as the elderly and people with genetic predisposition to life-threatening illnesses. Last on the priority list will be people working in the most hated professions, as identified in various surveys.

“Unfortunately, there are several groups that will not be eligible for the vaccine because of supply shortages,” said CDC chief Anne T. Septec. “These groups have been selected based on the low esteem in which they are held by the majority of Americans. They include trial lawyers, politicians, journalists, collection agents, tax auditors, parking meter monitors, and street mimes.”

The Food and Drug Administration in September approved the vaccine, called Survivasil, for immunization against virtually all natural causes of death, including communicable diseases, genetic mutations that lead to cancer, and simple aging.  It does not, however, cure the common cold.

Eli Lilly & Co. did not anticipate such a huge demand for the vaccine, and is developing new supplies, but says its manufacturing process takes considerable time. 

Septec said people in the low priority groups may be able to get the next round of vaccine when it becomes available in March. But organizations representing those low-priority people are nevertheless protesting the CDC distribution plans, saying many of their members could be dead by the time the new supplies of vaccine are released.  Immediately after the CDC press conference, the American Trial Lawyers Association, the American Bar Association, the Committee to Protect Journalists and National Association of Silent Performers (NASP) all released statements condemning the plan as discriminatory.

“             ,” Noah Tauker, NASP President, said about the CDC strategy.

And Republican lawmakers say they will introduce a bill that would require CDC to provide members of Congress with the vaccine. The Democratically-controlled House is likely to try to quash that legislation unless they can attach an amendment that would also insure the vaccine for tax collectors and MSNBC employees.

Palin Vows to Fight Death Squad Decision on Her Fate

August 12, 2029—Talk show host Sarah Palin said yesterday she will appeal what she says is a U.S. Death Panel decision ordering her euthanization.

“I’ve warned for years that this death panel, which that son-of-a-gun Barack Obama pushed through Congress two decades ago as part of health-care reform, would go after my parents and my disabilitized son, Trig,” she said. “And OK, I concede, that never happened. But I’ll be gosh-darned … my maverick voice … this great nation of ours … looses me … evil federal government … next-door-neighbor Russia is behind this … and the liberal media’s fault.”

Panel Chairman Lee Thallen-Jection said that she and the other six members did not in fact order Palin’s death, but simply ruled that she be eligible for voluntary end-of-life counseling.

“Doctors have concluded that Ms. Palin has been suffering from a severe and progressive form of dementia for the last 20 years, leading her to make bizarre, hyperbolic statements and to chronically speak in incomplete sentences,” Thallen-Jection said. “This will only get worse, and she might save herself some further humiliation if she gets some counseling on how to shut up, which doesn’t mean euthanization—although that is an option she might consider.”

Palin, 65, hosts the Palin Program on FoxNews.com and was the 2012 Republican presidential nominee.

The White House spoke out on the issue during a press briefing this morning, saying that even President Angelina Jolie questions the Death Panel’s decision.

“The president believes Ms. Palin is not suffering from dementia, but is simply stupid and semi-literate,” said White House Press Secretary Holly Wood.  “By those standards, we’d have to give end-of-life counseling to half the country.”