Palin Vows to Fight Death Squad Decision on Her Fate

August 12, 2029—Talk show host Sarah Palin said yesterday she will appeal what she says is a U.S. Death Panel decision ordering her euthanization.

“I’ve warned for years that this death panel, which that son-of-a-gun Barack Obama pushed through Congress two decades ago as part of health-care reform, would go after my parents and my disabilitized son, Trig,” she said. “And OK, I concede, that never happened. But I’ll be gosh-darned … my maverick voice … this great nation of ours … looses me … evil federal government … next-door-neighbor Russia is behind this … and the liberal media’s fault.”

Panel Chairman Lee Thallen-Jection said that she and the other six members did not in fact order Palin’s death, but simply ruled that she be eligible for voluntary end-of-life counseling.

“Doctors have concluded that Ms. Palin has been suffering from a severe and progressive form of dementia for the last 20 years, leading her to make bizarre, hyperbolic statements and to chronically speak in incomplete sentences,” Thallen-Jection said. “This will only get worse, and she might save herself some further humiliation if she gets some counseling on how to shut up, which doesn’t mean euthanization—although that is an option she might consider.”

Palin, 65, hosts the Palin Program on FoxNews.com and was the 2012 Republican presidential nominee.

The White House spoke out on the issue during a press briefing this morning, saying that even President Angelina Jolie questions the Death Panel’s decision.

“The president believes Ms. Palin is not suffering from dementia, but is simply stupid and semi-literate,” said White House Press Secretary Holly Wood.  “By those standards, we’d have to give end-of-life counseling to half the country.”

Orgasmic Food No Better Than Regular Food, Study Finds

July 30, 2029—Orgasmic produce has no more nutritional or pleasure-producing benefits than conventionally grown fruits and vegetables, according to a major study published Thursday.

Researchers from the Dutch School of Sexology and Nutrition in Amsterdam said consumers were paying higher prices for orgasmic produce because they believe the genetic enhancements in those foods will improve their circulation and sexual responsiveness. These misperceptions have created a global orgasmic market worth an estimated $108 billion.

A systematic review of 162 scientific papers published in the scientific literature over the last 15 years, however, found there was no significant difference between orgasmic foods and conventional foods.

“Our review indicates that there is currently no evidence to support the selection of orgasmic over conventionally produced foods in order to achieve a better climax,” said Peter Galimpp, one of the report’s authors. “The intensity of an orgasm still depends on the skills of one’s partner—or one’s self—and not on high-priced apples and oranges.  If people think they’re having better sex simply because of what they’re eating, it’s all in their heads.”

The results of the research, which was commissioned by the European Union’s Food Standards Agency, were published in the American Journal of  Nutritional Sexuality.

Orgasmic foods hit the market in 2014 after agricultural scientists learned how to mix the genes of herbal aphrodisiacs such as ginseng and gingko biloba into farm crops. The enhanced foods swiftly began outselling conventional foods, despite the higher retail prices, and sparked a new sexual revolution across the globe.

“This discovery means people can opt for less expensive forms of sexual enhancement, such as Vitamin E and oysters,” Galimpp said.

Humorbloggers.com is always orgasmically funny.

 

President Wants Anti-Death Coverage Included in Health-care Overhaul

July 22, 2029—President Angelina Jolie said yesterday that her administration will forge ahead with a plan to expand the nation’s health-care system to cover new nanotechnologies so that every American is guaranteed access to cosmetic enhancements and anti-death treatments.

In a press conference broadcast over the Web, Jolie delivered a forceful defense of her $1.8 quadrillion plan to create single-payer insurance for nanotechnology treatments. She dismissed criticism that the proposal represents a huge waste of money.

“The last health-care reform legislation passed by Congress occurred during the Obama administration, when nanotechnology was still in the laboratory,” Jolie said. “We need to bring our health-care system into the 20th century to ensure that every American has equal access to a beautiful face and body, and to a delayed death.”

Jolie faces dimming prospects that Congress will meet an August deadline to pass nanohealth-care legislation.   Members from both parties have said they want to fix a nanotechnological health care system that costs families too much money in cosmetic enhancements and aging prevention. They also worry about the tens of millions of uninsured who won’t be able to afford the death nanovaccine when it hits the market in the fall. 

But some lawmakers say the plan is ridiculous, given that no health care will matter once the world comes to an end later this year.

Jolie, however, said Americans have a right to live their final days on Earth looking and feeling their best.