November 9, 2029—Federal health officials announced today that, because they have to ration the scarce supply of the new death vaccine, they will withhold the medication from groups that have been identified in public opinion polls to be the least deserving.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released its vaccine distribution plan during a morning press conference, emphasizing that it only has enough of the vaccine to immunize the most at-risk populations, such as the elderly and people with genetic predisposition to life-threatening illnesses. Last on the priority list will be people working in the most hated professions, as identified in various surveys.
“Unfortunately, there are several groups that will not be eligible for the vaccine because of supply shortages,” said CDC chief Anne T. Septec. “These groups have been selected based on the low esteem in which they are held by the majority of Americans. They include trial lawyers, politicians, journalists, collection agents, tax auditors, parking meter monitors, and street mimes.”
The Food and Drug Administration in September approved the vaccine, called Survivasil, for immunization against virtually all natural causes of death, including communicable diseases, genetic mutations that lead to cancer, and simple aging. It does not, however, cure the common cold.
Eli Lilly & Co. did not anticipate such a huge demand for the vaccine, and is developing new supplies, but says its manufacturing process takes considerable time.
Septec said people in the low priority groups may be able to get the next round of vaccine when it becomes available in March. But organizations representing those low-priority people are nevertheless protesting the CDC distribution plans, saying many of their members could be dead by the time the new supplies of vaccine are released. Immediately after the CDC press conference, the American Trial Lawyers Association, the American Bar Association, the Committee to Protect Journalists and National Association of Silent Performers (NASP) all released statements condemning the plan as discriminatory.
“ ,” Noah Tauker, NASP President, said about the CDC strategy.
And Republican lawmakers say they will introduce a bill that would require CDC to provide members of Congress with the vaccine. The Democratically-controlled House is likely to try to quash that legislation unless they can attach an amendment that would also insure the vaccine for tax collectors and MSNBC employees.