Future Update

July 7, 2028 — The funeral business has always been considered immune to economic slowdowns.  Death doesn’t take a vacation during a recession. 

But now the industry faces a trend that could eat away at its armor for decades to come; fewer and fewer people are dying.

These were suppose to be the boon years for the death industry, with millions of baby boomers finally hitting their 80s.  But with people now typically living well past their 100th birthday — thanks to genetic vaccines, intracellular disease scavengers, organ cloning and a host of other medical breakthroughs occurring over the last 20 years — funeral homes are finding it increasingly difficult to get bodies in the door.

Doug Graves, a funeral director in Naperville, Ill., is one of them.  The number of services at his funeral home has fallen by 45 percent over the last five years.

“All the really old people are already dead, and the rest are living longer than anyone ever expected,” Graves complained. “If this keeps up, I’ll have to close down. Nobody ever thinks about us funeral directors when they’re inventing a new cure for cancer.”

More than 150 funeral homes went out of business in 2027, according to the American Funeral Directors’ Association. And another 175 are expected to shut down by the end of this year, the group says.

The decline in funerals is having rippling effects throughout other segments of the economy.  Casket manufacturers and distributors are reporting sharp declines in orders, and crematoriums are also struggling.  Many car manufacturers have been forced to start marketing hearses as luxury cars. 

Funerals will eventually return to sustainable numbers, promises Dr. Makhu Betah, FU chief medical analyst.

“We’re simply in a transition period,” Betah says. “People who 20 years ago would be dead are now set to live for another 20 years, so by the middle of this decade, those funeral homes that are still in business should see business increase — unless we’re able to increase the average life expectancy even more by then.”

And American funeral homes could have it a lot worse, Betah adds.  The U.S. life expectancy still trails 30 other countries, meaning funeral directors in other parts of the world are hurting even more.

“Our continuing struggle with the obesity rate and overall sloth is keeping the funeral industry from going completely under,” she says.

July 1, 2028 — An Alabama woman has made history by conceiving the world’s first “designer baby” guaranteed to be free of the gene linked to homosexuality.

Using a controversial screening technique called pre-implantation diagnosis (PGD), doctors rejected five embryos which tested positive for the so-called gay gene in favor of two others that lack the gene, ensuring the child would be heterosexual.

The 47-year-old mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, is now 16 weeks pregnant with her first child after being implanted with two of the cleared embryos.

According to doctors, the woman does not wish to have a gay son or daughter. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” said Dr. Tim Thorne, one of the researchers who performed the procedure.  ”But she just prefers traditional gender-specific behaviors in her offspring.”

The woman chose to go through the procedure because her husband had tested positive for the gay gene and had a tendency to dress fashionably and download show tunes from the online music stores. 

The “designer baby” practice emerged 20 years ago when a British woman conceived the first child guaranteed to be free from hereditary breast cancer.  Critics claim the practice is unethical because it means viable embryos are destroyed.  There are also fears that prenatal engineering of sexual orientation could eventually wipe out the gay population, destroying such institutions as men’s figure skating, the LPGA tour, Las Vegas drag shows, and Bravo.

Historical source:  Joanna Corrigan, Telegraph Media