New Robotic Alarm Clock Beats You Awake

September 24, 2029—General Electric has announced the upcoming release of a robotic alarm clock that slaps, punches and kicks you to make sure you wake up in the morning.

The Snoozer Bruiser, scheduled to hit stores by the holiday season, is designed for people who have chronic problems with oversleeping.  Sensors in the Bruiser’s neural network will determine if you’re sleeping through the alarm bell, signaling it to start assaulting you to get you out of bed.  It also begins beating you up immediately if you hit the snooze button.

The robot will sell at the suggested retail price of $29.99 and will be available in online stores everywhere. The device comes in two colors—black and blue.

The Premature Future: Childhood Smiling and Future Marriage Success

FU’s occassional step outside the future and into the crazy present
 
From Scientific American.  This means in the future many children will undergo smile therapy to help ensure their later marriage success. You heard it here first.

Pictures of grinning kids may reveal more than childhood happiness: a study from DePauw University shows that how intensely people smile in childhood photographs, as indicated by crow’s feet around the eyes, predicts their adult marriage success.

According to the research, people whose smiles were weakest in snapshots from childhood through young adulthood were most likely to report being divorced in middle and old age.

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Jesus Christ to Voice GPS System

 
August 28, 2029—Representatives for Jesus Christ have signed an agreement that will allow the son of God’s voice to be used in a navigation system that can be embedded in the brain.

Christ’s voice, which scientists claim they have been able to replicate through extensive research and sound technology, can be downloaded into Garmin InnerNuvi systems via wireless Web-to-brain connections.  Christ channeled the news about the deal through the Rev. Paul Pitt, a Baptist minister in Alabama who claims to speak with the Savior on a regular basis. 

Celebrity voices for navigation became popular back in the early part of the century, when stars ranging from Sean Connery to Mr. T offered up directions on the old dashboard-mounted GPS systems.  The products became controversial when revered folks singer  Bob Dylan allowed his voice to be available for the devices. Dylan’s deal sparked accusations that he had “sold out,” but his voice was eventually pulled from the market when users complained that his diction was too poor for them to understand his directions.   An Ozzy Osbourne version was also recalled after users couldn’t understand the voice directions and ended up in traffic accidents as a result.   

Christ is not the first deceased spiritual leader to voice an internal GPS system.  Garmin rival TomTom currently offers the voices of Mother Teresa, the Rev. Billy Graham, and Moses. 

With the new Garmin release, Jesus can truly be one’s pilot.