Future Update

July 7, 2028 — The funeral business has always been considered immune to economic slowdowns.  Death doesn’t take a vacation during a recession. 

But now the industry faces a trend that could eat away at its armor for decades to come; fewer and fewer people are dying.

These were suppose to be the boon years for the death industry, with millions of baby boomers finally hitting their 80s.  But with people now typically living well past their 100th birthday — thanks to genetic vaccines, intracellular disease scavengers, organ cloning and a host of other medical breakthroughs occurring over the last 20 years — funeral homes are finding it increasingly difficult to get bodies in the door.

Doug Graves, a funeral director in Naperville, Ill., is one of them.  The number of services at his funeral home has fallen by 45 percent over the last five years.

“All the really old people are already dead, and the rest are living longer than anyone ever expected,” Graves complained. “If this keeps up, I’ll have to close down. Nobody ever thinks about us funeral directors when they’re inventing a new cure for cancer.”

More than 150 funeral homes went out of business in 2027, according to the American Funeral Directors’ Association. And another 175 are expected to shut down by the end of this year, the group says.

The decline in funerals is having rippling effects throughout other segments of the economy.  Casket manufacturers and distributors are reporting sharp declines in orders, and crematoriums are also struggling.  Many car manufacturers have been forced to start marketing hearses as luxury cars. 

Funerals will eventually return to sustainable numbers, promises Dr. Makhu Betah, FU chief medical analyst.

“We’re simply in a transition period,” Betah says. “People who 20 years ago would be dead are now set to live for another 20 years, so by the middle of this decade, those funeral homes that are still in business should see business increase — unless we’re able to increase the average life expectancy even more by then.”

And American funeral homes could have it a lot worse, Betah adds.  The U.S. life expectancy still trails 30 other countries, meaning funeral directors in other parts of the world are hurting even more.

“Our continuing struggle with the obesity rate and overall sloth is keeping the funeral industry from going completely under,” she says.

July 4, 2028 — With the nation only beginning to recover from months of governmental turmoil, today is expected to be the most forlorn Independence Day in U.S. history.

Americans will go through the motions of gathering for backyard barbeques, watching fireworks and chasing after kids who throw firecrackers into their lawns.  But the overall mood of the country will be anything but patriotic.

In the last three months, the country has transitioned from a democratic republic to a corporation to a dictatorship and finally back to a republic.  It began with Google’s acquisition of the U.S., followed by a military coup led by former Sen. Hillary Clinton and an ultimate rescue by the lunar armed forces.   

“The American people are more confused about their identity, about their leadership and about the future of our form of government,” said Horatio Ivee, a history professor at Harvard University.  “It’s created a kind of despondency, a kind of decadent resignation that I’ve never witnessed before. It’s like Jimmy Buffett’s ‘Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw’ is the new national anthem.” 

The national mood stems partly from a crisis of leadership. President George Prescott Bush has decided against running for a second term, and both political parties are scrambling to get nominees onto the November ballot. 

Festering environmental crises have also been weighing on the America spirit.  Several major coastal cities, including Seattle, Boston and New York City, are suffering from ongoing flooding due to climate change.  Water shortages abound in many southwestern states, resulting in widespread rioting.  And the shift to alternative forms of fuel, including cranberry juice cocktail, are proceeding slowly.   

The Bush administration is hoping the Olympic Games, set to begin Aug. 8 in Bismarck, N.D., will lift the country’s spirits a bit. 

Meanwhile, temperatures in Washington, D.C. are expected to hit 135º F today, which is expected to suppress the number of people attending activities on the National Mall.  A concert on the lawn of Capitol Building will feature Miley Cyrus, David Archuleta, the National Robotic Orchestra, and the president himself performing with his old high-school pal Enrique Iglesias. 

Jimmy Buffett is also expected to perform, although organizers of the event have asked him to stick to uplifting songs. That means fans won’t get to hear his aforementioned hit and his signature “Margaritaville.”

Country crooner Lee Greenwood, best known for his hit “God Bless the USA,” turned down an invitation to perform at the event, saying that he would rather spend the day at his villa in the south of France. 

Performers on the Capitol lawn tonight include, from left, Miley Cyrus, David Archuleta and Enrique Iglesias and President Bush