Augmented Reality Network Crashes, Leaving Millions Dataless

November 17, 2029—TEL-U Mobile said today that network disruptions yesterday led to inoperable augmented reality service, leaving millions of customers to walk or drive around with no information about what they were seeing.
 
The outage began about 2:16 p.m. ET yesterday and lasted until early this morning, affecting customers across the country, a TEL-U spokesman said.  The company says a software error led to the disruption.  

TEL-U customers complained that they felt virtually crippled without the augmented reality (AR) data that tell them everything from the source of the beans used in their Starbucks coffee to the marital status of a person passing them on the street. The incident underscored Americans’ deepening dependence on AR -powered eyeglasses and contact lenses to get through the day.    
 
TEL-U advertises its AR network and eyewear as the most sophisticated in the nation. The company boasts more than 7 million subscribers.

The company yesterday was deluged with calls from angry customers. Diners complained that they had no data to determine whether a restaurant they were considering patronizing had any health-code violations. Consumers complained that the outage hampered their everyday search for the latest fashions.

“I was walking down Park Avenue and noticed this woman wearing a gorgeous cashmere coat,” Manhattan resident Pru Tenchus said. “I wanted to know where she bought it and how much she paid for it, but the data didn’t pop up on my AR sunglasses. This was highly inconvenient.”

Pedestrians griped that they had no information about the criminal history, political affiliation or religion of people they passed on the street.

“I started chatting with a very nice man in line with me at the deli near by office,” said Chicago resident Sue Spiches. “I was waiting for information about him to pop up on my contact lenses, but it never came. For all I know, he was a registered sex offender or a Mormon.”
 
For other customers, the outage merely hampered their personal lives a bit.

“I was sitting at a coffee shop and was attracted to a woman sitting at the table next to me,” said Greg Aryus, a longtime TEL-U subscriber. “But I’m a conservative guy. I like old-fashioned girls, and without the AR network functioning, I had no information on whether she was a member of a NOW or a regular contributor to Emily’s List. Unaugmented reality bites.”

Sosa Says Face Cream Made Him Look Like Asian Woman

November 11, 2029—Sammy Sosa says a revolutionary cosmetic cream he uses to soften the skin around his cheeks and eyes is the reason he now resembles an Asian woman.

The former Chicago Cubs slugger, whose use of cosmetic creams and hair-straightening products has drawn attention for two decades, was photographed at a gala event in Las Vegas last week with a noticeably different face and ostensibly new gender.

Sosa, who turns 61 tomorrow, says he is not suffering from any skin illness and has not undergone any gender-alteration surgery or ethnicity-changing treatments. He says he has been using a revolutionary cream for a long time, and combined with bright camera lights that made him squint, it made his face look feminine and Asian.

Sosa in 2005 (left) and today

New Robotic Alarm Clock Beats You Awake

September 24, 2029—General Electric has announced the upcoming release of a robotic alarm clock that slaps, punches and kicks you to make sure you wake up in the morning.

The Snoozer Bruiser, scheduled to hit stores by the holiday season, is designed for people who have chronic problems with oversleeping.  Sensors in the Bruiser’s neural network will determine if you’re sleeping through the alarm bell, signaling it to start assaulting you to get you out of bed.  It also begins beating you up immediately if you hit the snooze button.

The robot will sell at the suggested retail price of $29.99 and will be available in online stores everywhere. The device comes in two colors—black and blue.