Future Update

July 8, 2028 — Former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Angelina Jolie today formally announced she is seeking the Democratic Party nomination for president.

“This nation needs a kick-ass heroine,” Jolie said in a video address on her official website. “I’m ready to help reunite this country after months of turmoil, and make sure we all have access to good jobs, a cleaner environment, affordable health care, and chique clothes.”

Jolie is the first Democrat to jump into the race, and her sterling popularity may discourage anyone else from trying to compete with her.

Twenty years ago, Jolie was one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars as well as Goodwill Ambassador to the UN Refugee Agency. And in the late-teens, just before she could be put out to pasture in some sitcom, Jolie left acting to pursue her humanitarian work full time. That led former President Oprah Winfey to appoint her to the ambassador post in 2021.

Jolie, 53, is not the first Hollywood icon to run for the Oval Office.  Both Ronald Reagan and Winfrey made their mark in show business before embarking on political careers. But her candidacy could nevertheless be historic, says FU political analyst Ima Fullavit.

“Angelina brings a lot of firsts to presidential politics,” Fullavit says. “For example, she’s the first presidential candidate to have won an Oscar.”

Jolie is also the first presidential candidate to:

• have adopted children from a variety of nations;
• have lots and lots and lots of tattoos;
• get a tattoo of her spouse’s name;
• have a tattoo of a spouse’s name removed;
• be a home-wrecker;
• provide the voices for CGI characters;
• play a character from a computer game;
• have sex with Brad Pitt; and
• be bisexual

Jolie’s current spouse,  electronic folk musician Bitch, says she is fully prepared to serve as first lady.

July 7, 2028 — The funeral business has always been considered immune to economic slowdowns.  Death doesn’t take a vacation during a recession. 

But now the industry faces a trend that could eat away at its armor for decades to come; fewer and fewer people are dying.

These were suppose to be the boon years for the death industry, with millions of baby boomers finally hitting their 80s.  But with people now typically living well past their 100th birthday — thanks to genetic vaccines, intracellular disease scavengers, organ cloning and a host of other medical breakthroughs occurring over the last 20 years — funeral homes are finding it increasingly difficult to get bodies in the door.

Doug Graves, a funeral director in Naperville, Ill., is one of them.  The number of services at his funeral home has fallen by 45 percent over the last five years.

“All the really old people are already dead, and the rest are living longer than anyone ever expected,” Graves complained. “If this keeps up, I’ll have to close down. Nobody ever thinks about us funeral directors when they’re inventing a new cure for cancer.”

More than 150 funeral homes went out of business in 2027, according to the American Funeral Directors’ Association. And another 175 are expected to shut down by the end of this year, the group says.

The decline in funerals is having rippling effects throughout other segments of the economy.  Casket manufacturers and distributors are reporting sharp declines in orders, and crematoriums are also struggling.  Many car manufacturers have been forced to start marketing hearses as luxury cars. 

Funerals will eventually return to sustainable numbers, promises Dr. Makhu Betah, FU chief medical analyst.

“We’re simply in a transition period,” Betah says. “People who 20 years ago would be dead are now set to live for another 20 years, so by the middle of this decade, those funeral homes that are still in business should see business increase — unless we’re able to increase the average life expectancy even more by then.”

And American funeral homes could have it a lot worse, Betah adds.  The U.S. life expectancy still trails 30 other countries, meaning funeral directors in other parts of the world are hurting even more.

“Our continuing struggle with the obesity rate and overall sloth is keeping the funeral industry from going completely under,” she says.