Disgraced NASA Chief Flees Earth

November 12, 2029—Former NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan appears to have fled the planet after learning that a special prosecutor has been appointed to investigate his role in the apocalypse fraud scheme.

Federal investigators yesterday subjected Phiphan’s family to hours of mind probing, and learned that the former NASA chief, who resigned under fire last week, had headed into space on his private shuttle before dawn on Wednesday morning.  Phiphan’s escape came less than 12 hours after Attorney General Beau Biden named longtime prosecutor Barry Cuda to lead an inquiry into the so-called Armageddon-gate scandal.

“We suspect that Mr. Phiphan will run to the lunar principality of Moonaco, which has no extradition treaty with the United States,” FBI Director Don Jeeman said in a press conference this. “So it may be very difficult to retrieve him to make him atone for his apparent hoax on humanity.”

The investigation stems from an FU story published last month showing that the asteroid that NASA claimed to have discovered heading on a destructive path toward Earth was in fact a fabrication. Phiphan conspired with other government officials to concoct the story in order to steer lucrative contracts to LockMartin Corp. for the construction of planetary evacuation ships.  LockMartin allegedly agreed to pay kickpacks to Phiphan and numerous government officials in exchange for the contract award.

Cuda will also investigate allegations that Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme in order to help enrich his mistress. California real estate mogul Sela House, who says she began an affair with Lawe in 2027, has admitted in an affidavit that she and Lawe volunteered to help NASA and the Pentagon perpetuate the asteroid hoax so that they could manipulate housing values.

Meanwhile, the world community is condemning the United States and its allies for allowing the asteroid scare to proliferate unchecked. The Palestinian Authority accused the Jolie administration of using the scheme to clear the West Bank and Gaza Strip of all Palestinians so that Israel could settle those areas permanently.  Russia accused the administration of using a concocted secondary crisis—aliens entering the solar system—as an excuse to revive the old “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative. And North Korea and Iran both condemned the U.S. because that’s what they always do.

The Premature Future: Engineered Rabbit Penises

FU’s occassional step away from the future and into our crazy present. 

Using tissue grown in a laboratory, researchers have engineered fully functional replacement penises. The organs were made for rabbits, but the technique may someday be useful for people. 

 ”This technology has considerable potential for patients requiring penile construction,” wrote researchers in a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Oddly, the procedure seemed to make the rabbits randier than usual. 

We predict that this will lead to a thriving new industry of penile-growth products that will far outsell Viagra and other erectile dysfunction  treatments .   But men will be advised to call their doctor if their new penis continues to grow for more than four hours.

CDC to Ration Death Vaccine

November 9, 2029—Federal health officials announced today that, because they have to ration the scarce supply of the new death vaccine, they will withhold the medication from groups that have been identified in public opinion polls to be the least deserving.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released its vaccine distribution plan during a morning press conference, emphasizing that it only has enough of the vaccine to immunize the most at-risk populations, such as the elderly and people with genetic predisposition to life-threatening illnesses. Last on the priority list will be people working in the most hated professions, as identified in various surveys.

“Unfortunately, there are several groups that will not be eligible for the vaccine because of supply shortages,” said CDC chief Anne T. Septec. “These groups have been selected based on the low esteem in which they are held by the majority of Americans. They include trial lawyers, politicians, journalists, collection agents, tax auditors, parking meter monitors, and street mimes.”

The Food and Drug Administration in September approved the vaccine, called Survivasil, for immunization against virtually all natural causes of death, including communicable diseases, genetic mutations that lead to cancer, and simple aging.  It does not, however, cure the common cold.

Eli Lilly & Co. did not anticipate such a huge demand for the vaccine, and is developing new supplies, but says its manufacturing process takes considerable time. 

Septec said people in the low priority groups may be able to get the next round of vaccine when it becomes available in March. But organizations representing those low-priority people are nevertheless protesting the CDC distribution plans, saying many of their members could be dead by the time the new supplies of vaccine are released.  Immediately after the CDC press conference, the American Trial Lawyers Association, the American Bar Association, the Committee to Protect Journalists and National Association of Silent Performers (NASP) all released statements condemning the plan as discriminatory.

“             ,” Noah Tauker, NASP President, said about the CDC strategy.

And Republican lawmakers say they will introduce a bill that would require CDC to provide members of Congress with the vaccine. The Democratically-controlled House is likely to try to quash that legislation unless they can attach an amendment that would also insure the vaccine for tax collectors and MSNBC employees.