Millions to Remain Stuck on Moon for Thanksgiving

November 23, 2029—Millions of Americans are expected to remain stranded on the Moon during the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, as the spaceline industry struggles with overbooked flights and long lines at the space elevator.

Demand for space trips back to Earth have quadrupled over the last three weeks in the wake of news that the supposed asteroid threat to the planet was all a hoax.  U.S. Spaceways, for example, says it has more than 80,000 customers on standby lists.  And the skyrocketing demand has led to exorbitant fares that are leaving many refugees unable to afford a trip home.

“The fare structure is nuts,” said Emma Stucke, who fled her home in Arlington, Va., in August and has been living in a refugee camp near the city of Craterburg. “A one-way ticket back to Earth costs $35,000. A round-trip ticket costs half of that. But why the hell would I want a round-trip ticket?”

The spacelines are hiking fares despite the fact that 10 state attorneys general are investigating claims that the companies engaged in price gouging during the massive and ultimately unnecessary exodus from Earth earlier this year.

“We truly believe the spacelines tried to take advantage of asteroid crisis before it was exposed as a hoax,” said Florida Attorney General Sonny Day. “Now they appear to be pulling the same tricks to exploit everyone’s eagerness to return home in time for turkey, pumpkin pie and Black Friday deals. 
 
Meanwhile, the space elevator has been operating at double capacity for the past two weeks and has broken down twice. Moon refugees have already formed long lines to buy tickets for travel home in time for Christmas.

FU transportation analyst Otto Buss said the travel crisis on the Moon is actually good news for people still on Earth.  Since more than half of the population is stuck off-planet, traffic on U.S. highways should be significantly reduced over the holiday weekend.

Senate Bill Would Ban Nose-Picking While Driving

November 19, 2029—A bipartisan bill introduced Wednesday would provide incentives for states to ban drivers from picking their noses while behind the wheel.

The legislation, introduced in the Senate, is the latest measure designed to curb deaths and injuries due to so-called distracted driving.

The measure attracted a fair amount of support during a Senate committee hearing on Wednesday, but some lawmakers said legislation should be left up to the states, while others called it too extreme. 

Sen. Wynn Power, (D-N.J.), chairman of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, and Trey Fick (R-Ariz.), chairman of the Commerce Subcommittee on Surface Transportation and Merchant Marine Infrastructure, Safety and Security, believe their legislation will save lives.

“Over the years we’ve barred drivers from talking or texting on handheld devices, eating and drinking, and even talking with other passengers in the car,” Power said at the hearing.  “But we still have too many traffic accidents and fatalities, because we have people concentrating too hard on clearing their noses. Banning nose-picking seems to be the ultimate way that we can make sure people aren’t distracted when they’re behind the wheel.”
 
People “are driving lethal weapons,” and digging around in your nasal cavity while doing so is “the grossest kind of negligence,” Fick said.
 
Power said studies show more than 916,500 drivers pick their noses while behind the wheel at any given moment. Last year, 5,800 people were killed due to nose-picking drivers.
 
The legislation would create a grant program for states that enact laws prohibiting nose-picking while driving and impose significant penalties for drivers who cause an accident.
 
Sen. Lee Bertarian (R-Calif.) said he thinks states should take the lead in developing such laws, but added that even state legislation that impose nose-picking restrictions goes too far.
 
“There a certain innate, semi-private human behaviors that occur no matter where one is—at home, behind the wheel, in a public restroom stall,” he said. “We can’t legislate against all of that. What’s next? Are we going to ban blinking while driving?”

Augmented Reality Network Crashes, Leaving Millions Dataless

November 17, 2029—TEL-U Mobile said today that network disruptions yesterday led to inoperable augmented reality service, leaving millions of customers to walk or drive around with no information about what they were seeing.
 
The outage began about 2:16 p.m. ET yesterday and lasted until early this morning, affecting customers across the country, a TEL-U spokesman said.  The company says a software error led to the disruption.  

TEL-U customers complained that they felt virtually crippled without the augmented reality (AR) data that tell them everything from the source of the beans used in their Starbucks coffee to the marital status of a person passing them on the street. The incident underscored Americans’ deepening dependence on AR -powered eyeglasses and contact lenses to get through the day.    
 
TEL-U advertises its AR network and eyewear as the most sophisticated in the nation. The company boasts more than 7 million subscribers.

The company yesterday was deluged with calls from angry customers. Diners complained that they had no data to determine whether a restaurant they were considering patronizing had any health-code violations. Consumers complained that the outage hampered their everyday search for the latest fashions.

“I was walking down Park Avenue and noticed this woman wearing a gorgeous cashmere coat,” Manhattan resident Pru Tenchus said. “I wanted to know where she bought it and how much she paid for it, but the data didn’t pop up on my AR sunglasses. This was highly inconvenient.”

Pedestrians griped that they had no information about the criminal history, political affiliation or religion of people they passed on the street.

“I started chatting with a very nice man in line with me at the deli near by office,” said Chicago resident Sue Spiches. “I was waiting for information about him to pop up on my contact lenses, but it never came. For all I know, he was a registered sex offender or a Mormon.”
 
For other customers, the outage merely hampered their personal lives a bit.

“I was sitting at a coffee shop and was attracted to a woman sitting at the table next to me,” said Greg Aryus, a longtime TEL-U subscriber. “But I’m a conservative guy. I like old-fashioned girls, and without the AR network functioning, I had no information on whether she was a member of a NOW or a regular contributor to Emily’s List. Unaugmented reality bites.”