Man Sues Over luvPod Same-Sex Link

August 19, 2029—A New Jersey man has filed suit against New AT&T and Applesoft, claiming the latest version of the luvPod is faulty because it identified another man as his soul mate, even though he is heterosexual .

The suit accuses Applesoft, which manufactures the handheld true-love locator, and New AT&T, which has an exclusive contract to sell it, of negligence, breach of express warranty, breach of contract, negligent misrepresentation, and infliction of a socially awkward moment. In addition to monetary damages, the lawsuit calls for the companies to modify their promotions about the luvPod 2.0’s  capabilities. 

The plaintiff, Lou Zerr, a Fort Lee, N.J. robot repairman, filed suit in the U.S. District Court in the District of Facebook. He is seeking class-action status.

“Mr. Zerr insists that he is straight, and the luvPod and New AT&T are promoting a faulty product because it hooked him up with another dude—not that there’s anything wrong with that,” said Zerr’s attorney, Laura Soote.

The action follows a series of complaints over alleged problems with the New AT&T 9G network that supports the luvPod 2.0. Consumers have complained that congestion on New AT&T’s networks has led to delays in finding a soulmate. Others gripe that the luvPod 2.0 has linked them up with people who are poor, commitment-phobic, mentally ill or just plain ugly. And in one extreme case, a Butte, Mont. man turned on a new luvPod and was fixed up with an inflatable doll being warehoused in New Mexico.

News from 20 Years Ago This Week

July 2, 2029

Iraqis celebrated the withdrawal of American troops from its cities, holding parades and declaring a national holiday. U.S. soldiers said that as they left, they heard people chanting a strange Arabic phrase that United Nations translators later reported to be, “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”

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 The Minnesota Supreme Court declared comedian-turned-politician Al Franken, a Democrat, the winner of the state’s U.S. Senate race, rejecting Republican opponent Norm Coleman’s protests about voting irregularities.  Franken went on to make an unsuccessful presidential bid in 2016, using the campaign slogan: ‘”I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

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Bernard L. Madoff, the mastermind behind one of the biggest financial frauds in history, was sentenced to 150 years in prison.  The surprisingly harsh sentence far exceeded that of any other high-profile white-collar crime, especially given Madoff’s advanced age of 71. But federal District Judge Denny Chin judge said the severity of the sentence must serve as a deterrent to future offenders. Unfortunately, the tactic didn’t work, and judges ever since have been inflicting maximum sentences on white collar criminals only to see other appear in their courtrooms.  In one of the latest high-profile cases, crooked financier Charlie Tan was sentenced to 700 years in prison.

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Vice President Joseph Biden announced guidelines for companies and organizations wanting to apply for grants to extend broadband Internet service to underserved areas of the country.  The grant program led to thriving Internet porn industry for rural Americans.  

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A week after Michael Jackson’s shocking death, questions arose about whether the singer was really the father of his two eldest children. Subsequent DNA tests confirmed that, while his sperm indeed spawned his daughter, Paris, he was not the biological parent of his son Prince Michael.  This prompted his family and his lawyers to finally, publicly concede that, indeed, “the kid is not his son.”

Limbaugh Attacks Sotomayor Over Comments About White Men and Salsa Dancing

June 1, 2029—Conservative radio commentator  Rush Limbaugh is once again publicly attacking Supreme Court Justice Sonja Sotomayor, this time accusing her of reverse racism for suggesting that Latinas are better salsa dancers than white men.

In his radio show on Friday, Limbaugh pointed to a speech Sotomayor made earlier in the week at a judicial conference in Scottsdale, Ariz. In the speech, Sotomayor said, “I would hope that a Latina woman with the richness of her dance experiences would more often than not be more talented dancing the salsa than a white male who grew up dancing to rock n’roll and hip-hop.”

Limbaugh, a longtime critic of Sotomayor, accused the high court’s only Hispanic justice of once again showing her true racist sentiments.

“What a racist comment to make,” Limbaugh said on his radio talk show on Friday. “I happen to know that [former presidential candidate] Newt Gingrich is a wonderful salsa dancer.”

“Let me read it to you another way,” Limbaugh continued.  “Chief Justice John Roberts, in another speech, said, ‘I would hope that a hip white man, with the richness of his experience, would more often than not be a better square dancer than a Latina female.’ Do think there would be any dispute that John Roberts had made a racist statement?”

Limbaugh has repeatedly assailed Sotomayor ever since former President Obama nominated her to the high court in 2009.  The last rampage occurred in 2025, when he accused her of racism for stating in a speech that Latinos speak Spanish better than European Americans.