Disgraced NASA Chief Flees Earth

November 12, 2029—Former NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan appears to have fled the planet after learning that a special prosecutor has been appointed to investigate his role in the apocalypse fraud scheme.

Federal investigators yesterday subjected Phiphan’s family to hours of mind probing, and learned that the former NASA chief, who resigned under fire last week, had headed into space on his private shuttle before dawn on Wednesday morning.  Phiphan’s escape came less than 12 hours after Attorney General Beau Biden named longtime prosecutor Barry Cuda to lead an inquiry into the so-called Armageddon-gate scandal.

“We suspect that Mr. Phiphan will run to the lunar principality of Moonaco, which has no extradition treaty with the United States,” FBI Director Don Jeeman said in a press conference this. “So it may be very difficult to retrieve him to make him atone for his apparent hoax on humanity.”

The investigation stems from an FU story published last month showing that the asteroid that NASA claimed to have discovered heading on a destructive path toward Earth was in fact a fabrication. Phiphan conspired with other government officials to concoct the story in order to steer lucrative contracts to LockMartin Corp. for the construction of planetary evacuation ships.  LockMartin allegedly agreed to pay kickpacks to Phiphan and numerous government officials in exchange for the contract award.

Cuda will also investigate allegations that Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme in order to help enrich his mistress. California real estate mogul Sela House, who says she began an affair with Lawe in 2027, has admitted in an affidavit that she and Lawe volunteered to help NASA and the Pentagon perpetuate the asteroid hoax so that they could manipulate housing values.

Meanwhile, the world community is condemning the United States and its allies for allowing the asteroid scare to proliferate unchecked. The Palestinian Authority accused the Jolie administration of using the scheme to clear the West Bank and Gaza Strip of all Palestinians so that Israel could settle those areas permanently.  Russia accused the administration of using a concocted secondary crisis—aliens entering the solar system—as an excuse to revive the old “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative. And North Korea and Iran both condemned the U.S. because that’s what they always do.

DHS Secretary Used Asteroid Scare for Real Estate Fraud, Mistress Claims

October 28, 2029—Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme to fraudulently evacuate the planet in order to help enrich a California businesswoman with whom he was having an extra-marital affair, FU has learned.

Federal investigators have uncovered Lawe’s role in the scam after questioning Sela House, an Orange County real estate mogul who admitted beginning a romantic relationship with Lawe in 2027.  House admitted in an affidavit that she and Lawe volunteered to help NASA and the Pentagon perpetuate the asteroid-plummeting-toward-Earth hoax so that they could manipulate housing values. A copy of the affidavit was leaked to FU.

Lawe is the second top-ranking federal official to be implicated in the Apocalypse-gate scheme, joining NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan, who resigned under fire on Monday.  Republican lawmakers are calling on Attorney General Beau Biden to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the scandal.
 
According to the affidavit, Lawe and House knew the reports about the coming end of the world would send real estate prices plummeting as people abandoned the planet to avoid annihilation from what they were told was an incoming asteroid.  The lovers then planned to buy up real estate across the country, and wait for the value of those holdings to soar once NASA reported the asteroid scare as a false alarm.

Lawe declined comment on the matter.  A spokesman at the Homeland Security Department he is at home in Philadelphia asking forgiveness from his wife, Dee Vohrse-Lawe.

NASA Chief Resigns As Apocalypse Scandal Broadens

November 2, 2029—NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan resigned today as allegations mounted about his leading role in the end-of-the-world fraud scheme that sent billions of people fleeing the planet.

While denying that he engaged in any intentional conspiracy to defraud the world, Phiphan said he needed to devote full attention to clearing his name and wanted to avoid bringing down the presidency of Angelina Jolie.

“While it’s clear my earlier warnings about a massive asteroid approaching the planet were incorrect, they were based on innocent miscalculations on the part of NASA scientists,” he said. “I am guilty only of incompetence.”

Phiphan’s decision stems from an FU investigation showing that he spearheaded the massive government scheme to concoct the asteroid story in order to steer lucrative contracts to LockMartin Corp. for the construction of planetary evacuation ships.  LockMartin allegedly agreed to pay kickpacks to Phiphan and numerous government officials in exchange for the contract award.

President Jolie issued a statement saying she deeply regretted losing Phiphan as a member of her administration.

“Cy has been a devoted NASA leader, and had the planet’s best interest at heart throughout this crisis … which, uh, I guess turned out not to be a crisis after all … but if it were, we would have been in good hands,” she said. “He is a fine, albeit stupid, American.”

But FU has learned that the Federal Trade Commission has launched an investigation into the scandal, after confirming that the plummeting space rock caught on satellite video was in fact a LockMartin-constructed spacecraft built in the shape of an asteroid.  Documents leaked by a LockMartin whistleblower indicate that company executives conspired with NASA officials to build the ship so they had images to back up their story about the asteroid.  The FTC is investigating the matter because a Seattle-based space travel company charged consumers $100,000 per ticket to take tours aboard the disguised craft.