Scientists Charged With Time-Traveling Crimes

November 30, 2029—Two scientists were arrested in Geneva yesterday for using the space-time continuum to prevent what was the world’s largest atom smasher from destroying the Earth.

Interpol said German particle physicist Roland D. Klochbach and Japan’s Dr. Takumi Tayama sent some energy surges back to 2008 and again to 2010 to overheat the Large Hadron Collider and shut it down before it could find the Higgs boson that explains the origins of mass in the universe.

Until recently, scientists had believed the Higgs boson was so abhorrent to the universe that simple forces of nature traveled back in time to stop the LHC, which was shut down in 2011 after repeated technical difficulties.  But researchers last week traced some ripples in the space-time continuum to Klochbach and Tayama, who work together at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, which built the proton collider.

Klochbach and Tayama told investigators that they sabotaged the LHC experiments because they feared the Higgs boson search would create a black hole 20 years ago that would have swallowed the planet.  Authorities said the scientists will be charged with temporal vandalism and illegal use of the space-time continuum.

“We appreciate the fact that they were trying to save the universe and all, but we simply can’t have people traveling back in time,” said Cosmo Kepper, chief of Interpol’s Crimes Against Nature Unit. “The next thing you know, someone will travel back in time and kill the great, great, great, great grandparents of one of their arch enemies so that that hated individual was never born in the first place. Or people will commit suicide by going back in time and killing their parents before they’ve had a chance to conceive them.”

But some physicists say time travel has received a bad rap and could actually be used to benefit humankind.

“Think of the horrible things that have happened, that we could go back in time to prevent,” said Italian physicist Rella Tivitti. “Using the scientific advances and wisdom we have today, we could prevent such scourges on humanity as the bubonic plague, global warming, high fructose corn syrup, or the mullet.”

Disgraced NASA Chief Flees Earth

November 12, 2029—Former NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan appears to have fled the planet after learning that a special prosecutor has been appointed to investigate his role in the apocalypse fraud scheme.

Federal investigators yesterday subjected Phiphan’s family to hours of mind probing, and learned that the former NASA chief, who resigned under fire last week, had headed into space on his private shuttle before dawn on Wednesday morning.  Phiphan’s escape came less than 12 hours after Attorney General Beau Biden named longtime prosecutor Barry Cuda to lead an inquiry into the so-called Armageddon-gate scandal.

“We suspect that Mr. Phiphan will run to the lunar principality of Moonaco, which has no extradition treaty with the United States,” FBI Director Don Jeeman said in a press conference this. “So it may be very difficult to retrieve him to make him atone for his apparent hoax on humanity.”

The investigation stems from an FU story published last month showing that the asteroid that NASA claimed to have discovered heading on a destructive path toward Earth was in fact a fabrication. Phiphan conspired with other government officials to concoct the story in order to steer lucrative contracts to LockMartin Corp. for the construction of planetary evacuation ships.  LockMartin allegedly agreed to pay kickpacks to Phiphan and numerous government officials in exchange for the contract award.

Cuda will also investigate allegations that Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme in order to help enrich his mistress. California real estate mogul Sela House, who says she began an affair with Lawe in 2027, has admitted in an affidavit that she and Lawe volunteered to help NASA and the Pentagon perpetuate the asteroid hoax so that they could manipulate housing values.

Meanwhile, the world community is condemning the United States and its allies for allowing the asteroid scare to proliferate unchecked. The Palestinian Authority accused the Jolie administration of using the scheme to clear the West Bank and Gaza Strip of all Palestinians so that Israel could settle those areas permanently.  Russia accused the administration of using a concocted secondary crisis—aliens entering the solar system—as an excuse to revive the old “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative. And North Korea and Iran both condemned the U.S. because that’s what they always do.

DHS Secretary Used Asteroid Scare for Real Estate Fraud, Mistress Claims

October 28, 2029—Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme to fraudulently evacuate the planet in order to help enrich a California businesswoman with whom he was having an extra-marital affair, FU has learned.

Federal investigators have uncovered Lawe’s role in the scam after questioning Sela House, an Orange County real estate mogul who admitted beginning a romantic relationship with Lawe in 2027.  House admitted in an affidavit that she and Lawe volunteered to help NASA and the Pentagon perpetuate the asteroid-plummeting-toward-Earth hoax so that they could manipulate housing values. A copy of the affidavit was leaked to FU.

Lawe is the second top-ranking federal official to be implicated in the Apocalypse-gate scheme, joining NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan, who resigned under fire on Monday.  Republican lawmakers are calling on Attorney General Beau Biden to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the scandal.
 
According to the affidavit, Lawe and House knew the reports about the coming end of the world would send real estate prices plummeting as people abandoned the planet to avoid annihilation from what they were told was an incoming asteroid.  The lovers then planned to buy up real estate across the country, and wait for the value of those holdings to soar once NASA reported the asteroid scare as a false alarm.

Lawe declined comment on the matter.  A spokesman at the Homeland Security Department he is at home in Philadelphia asking forgiveness from his wife, Dee Vohrse-Lawe.