Emanuel Being Treated for Profanity Addiction

 

August 17, 2029—Former Illinois Gov. Rahm Emanuel is undergoing treatment for profanity addiction, marking the second time he has sought medical attention for the illness, his family announced this morning.

Emanuel, 69, who also served as a U.S. Congressman and was President Barack Obama’s first chief of staff, on Sunday checked into the Kathy Griffin Center in West Hollywood, Calif. and will stay for approximately two weeks, a family spokesman said.

Emanuel, who has had a lifelong battle with profanity addiction, had abstained from cursing since he first underwent treatment for the disorder in 2021.  He reportedly relapsed last week after a chance meeting with his old political colleague, Rod Blagojevich, himself a former Illinois governor who also is suspected of having a swearing problem.

Profanity abuse was once seen as a simple character flaw and a tool for intimidation and comic relief. The American Psychiatric Association and the American Medical Association both now recognize it as a mental health disorder that can be treated with therapy and medication.

Kathy Griffin, the formerly foul-mouthed comedienne, opened her clinic in 2019 after undergoing her own treatment for the disorder. Griffin decided to seek help after she became the target of fatwa for telling Allah to “suck it” during an Emmy Award acceptance speech.  Other famous celebrities that have checked into the center include Christian Bale, Colin Farrell, Andrew Dice Clay and Susan Boyle.

L.A. Residents Arrested for Exceeding Water Rations

August 11, 2029—Los Angeles police arrested 12 people Tuesday in raids aimed at stopping residents from exceeding daily water rations.

Police said they took the residents, all homeowners in the city’s Brentwood section, into custody for exceeding their monthly ration of water for their homes, then trying to tamper with their water meters to make it appear that they had stayed within their limits. 

The city has had the water usage restrictions in place for a decade as longstanding drought conditions forced Southern California cities into rationing mode. 

“These violations of the water restrictions were highly egregious,” said Police Chief Harlan Thomas Oliver. “In one case, a man spent five minutes in the shower—a whole three minutes past his allotted time. And another woman flushed her toilet twice in one week.”

Environmental experts are applauding the LAPD’s actions, saying too many Californians are trying to skirt the water limitations.
 
“There’s just no excuse for this,” said Connie Servashon, president of the public interest group Save Our H2O. “With the conservation technologies available today, from sweat converters to urine recyclers, people can rely on their own bodies for water and shouldn’t have to abuse the public water supply.”

California Lawmakers Pass Law Forbidding Early Gubernatorial Resignations

July 6, 2029—The California state legislature is expected on Tuesday to pass a law that will mandate locks and bolts on the governor’s mansion to make sure the occupant stays put throughout his or her term.

Gov. Crow

The action comes a month after Gov. Sheryl Crow announced she would resign early to revive her rock music career. Crow’s term was not to expire until 2031.

Crow’s announcement follows two decades worth of erratic and irresponsible behavior on the part of governors in states across the country. The trend began in 2009, when South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford disappeared for several days to spend time with his lover in Argentina, and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said she would step down early to spare the state from what she described as the excesses of lame duck governors.  Since that time, more than 22 governors have stepped down prematurely amid political scandal or a lack of political backbone.

The California law will be imposed on Crow’s successor, Lt. Gov. John Mayer. If Mayer has any intention of reviving his music career or of sneaking out for a tryst with a groupie, he will have to hold off on those plans for at least two years. He is basically under house arrest until the end of the current gubernatorial term.

In an exclusive interview with FU, Mayer said he does not agree with the state law that is about to be enacted but that he can simply wait on the world to change.