Senate Bill Would Ban Nose-Picking While Driving

November 19, 2029—A bipartisan bill introduced Wednesday would provide incentives for states to ban drivers from picking their noses while behind the wheel.

The legislation, introduced in the Senate, is the latest measure designed to curb deaths and injuries due to so-called distracted driving.

The measure attracted a fair amount of support during a Senate committee hearing on Wednesday, but some lawmakers said legislation should be left up to the states, while others called it too extreme. 

Sen. Wynn Power, (D-N.J.), chairman of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, and Trey Fick (R-Ariz.), chairman of the Commerce Subcommittee on Surface Transportation and Merchant Marine Infrastructure, Safety and Security, believe their legislation will save lives.

“Over the years we’ve barred drivers from talking or texting on handheld devices, eating and drinking, and even talking with other passengers in the car,” Power said at the hearing.  “But we still have too many traffic accidents and fatalities, because we have people concentrating too hard on clearing their noses. Banning nose-picking seems to be the ultimate way that we can make sure people aren’t distracted when they’re behind the wheel.”
 
People “are driving lethal weapons,” and digging around in your nasal cavity while doing so is “the grossest kind of negligence,” Fick said.
 
Power said studies show more than 916,500 drivers pick their noses while behind the wheel at any given moment. Last year, 5,800 people were killed due to nose-picking drivers.
 
The legislation would create a grant program for states that enact laws prohibiting nose-picking while driving and impose significant penalties for drivers who cause an accident.
 
Sen. Lee Bertarian (R-Calif.) said he thinks states should take the lead in developing such laws, but added that even state legislation that impose nose-picking restrictions goes too far.
 
“There a certain innate, semi-private human behaviors that occur no matter where one is—at home, behind the wheel, in a public restroom stall,” he said. “We can’t legislate against all of that. What’s next? Are we going to ban blinking while driving?”

Emanuel Being Treated for Profanity Addiction

 

August 17, 2029—Former Illinois Gov. Rahm Emanuel is undergoing treatment for profanity addiction, marking the second time he has sought medical attention for the illness, his family announced this morning.

Emanuel, 69, who also served as a U.S. Congressman and was President Barack Obama’s first chief of staff, on Sunday checked into the Kathy Griffin Center in West Hollywood, Calif. and will stay for approximately two weeks, a family spokesman said.

Emanuel, who has had a lifelong battle with profanity addiction, had abstained from cursing since he first underwent treatment for the disorder in 2021.  He reportedly relapsed last week after a chance meeting with his old political colleague, Rod Blagojevich, himself a former Illinois governor who also is suspected of having a swearing problem.

Profanity abuse was once seen as a simple character flaw and a tool for intimidation and comic relief. The American Psychiatric Association and the American Medical Association both now recognize it as a mental health disorder that can be treated with therapy and medication.

Kathy Griffin, the formerly foul-mouthed comedienne, opened her clinic in 2019 after undergoing her own treatment for the disorder. Griffin decided to seek help after she became the target of fatwa for telling Allah to “suck it” during an Emmy Award acceptance speech.  Other famous celebrities that have checked into the center include Christian Bale, Colin Farrell, Andrew Dice Clay and Susan Boyle.

L.A. Residents Arrested for Exceeding Water Rations

August 11, 2029—Los Angeles police arrested 12 people Tuesday in raids aimed at stopping residents from exceeding daily water rations.

Police said they took the residents, all homeowners in the city’s Brentwood section, into custody for exceeding their monthly ration of water for their homes, then trying to tamper with their water meters to make it appear that they had stayed within their limits. 

The city has had the water usage restrictions in place for a decade as longstanding drought conditions forced Southern California cities into rationing mode. 

“These violations of the water restrictions were highly egregious,” said Police Chief Harlan Thomas Oliver. “In one case, a man spent five minutes in the shower—a whole three minutes past his allotted time. And another woman flushed her toilet twice in one week.”

Environmental experts are applauding the LAPD’s actions, saying too many Californians are trying to skirt the water limitations.
 
“There’s just no excuse for this,” said Connie Servashon, president of the public interest group Save Our H2O. “With the conservation technologies available today, from sweat converters to urine recyclers, people can rely on their own bodies for water and shouldn’t have to abuse the public water supply.”