Disgraced NASA Chief Flees Earth

November 12, 2029—Former NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan appears to have fled the planet after learning that a special prosecutor has been appointed to investigate his role in the apocalypse fraud scheme.

Federal investigators yesterday subjected Phiphan’s family to hours of mind probing, and learned that the former NASA chief, who resigned under fire last week, had headed into space on his private shuttle before dawn on Wednesday morning.  Phiphan’s escape came less than 12 hours after Attorney General Beau Biden named longtime prosecutor Barry Cuda to lead an inquiry into the so-called Armageddon-gate scandal.

“We suspect that Mr. Phiphan will run to the lunar principality of Moonaco, which has no extradition treaty with the United States,” FBI Director Don Jeeman said in a press conference this. “So it may be very difficult to retrieve him to make him atone for his apparent hoax on humanity.”

The investigation stems from an FU story published last month showing that the asteroid that NASA claimed to have discovered heading on a destructive path toward Earth was in fact a fabrication. Phiphan conspired with other government officials to concoct the story in order to steer lucrative contracts to LockMartin Corp. for the construction of planetary evacuation ships.  LockMartin allegedly agreed to pay kickpacks to Phiphan and numerous government officials in exchange for the contract award.

Cuda will also investigate allegations that Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme in order to help enrich his mistress. California real estate mogul Sela House, who says she began an affair with Lawe in 2027, has admitted in an affidavit that she and Lawe volunteered to help NASA and the Pentagon perpetuate the asteroid hoax so that they could manipulate housing values.

Meanwhile, the world community is condemning the United States and its allies for allowing the asteroid scare to proliferate unchecked. The Palestinian Authority accused the Jolie administration of using the scheme to clear the West Bank and Gaza Strip of all Palestinians so that Israel could settle those areas permanently.  Russia accused the administration of using a concocted secondary crisis—aliens entering the solar system—as an excuse to revive the old “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative. And North Korea and Iran both condemned the U.S. because that’s what they always do.

Apocalypse-gate Sparks Riots Worldwide

October 27, 2029—Law enforcement authorities and military troops are trying to quell rioting that has erupted in cities all over the world following news that Earth is in no danger of being destroyed by an asteroid after all.

Protests, street-fighting and looting have spread from Moscow to Los Angeles to Sydney as people demand that the United States account for what is now being called “Apocalypse-gate.”  Rioting also broke out on the Moon, where many people relocated to avoid annihilation by the asteroid.

“People are angry about being misled into thinking it was OK to make some reckless decisions,” said William Clubb, a London policeman.  “They drank and ate to excess, had unsafe sex and quit paying their bills because they figured they had nothing to lose.  Now that they know the world is safe, they have to actually account for those behaviors.”  

FU reported on Monday that top NASA, Pentagon and Homeland Security officials concocted the story about an asteroid heading on a collision course with Earth as part of a complex kickback scheme involving defense contractor LockMartin Corp.  Our investigation also revealed that the recent news about aliens entering our solar system was also false.

The asteroid scare has cost the world trillions of dollars, sent U.S. housing values tumbling below $0 and led to severe overcrowding in lunar refugee camps. About 65% of Earth’s inhabitants have left the planet.
 
The federal agencies late yesterday issued a joint statement denying the facts in the FU story, acknowledging that the planet is in no danger from asteroids or aliens, and that its earlier warnings were based on faulty—but not fraudulent—calculations.

“We simply mistook smudges on a telescope lense as being a plummeting space rock and an alien spaceship,” the agencies stated. “And we mistook some voice traffic between the Moon and Earth as a communique from approaching aliens.  It was all very innocent.”    

NASA officials had released what they said were images of the extra-terrestrials, who resembled the Geico insurance company’s gecko. But forensic analysis of those pictures have revealed them to be fake.

Meanwhile, Geico filed a trademark infringement lawsuit in federal against NASA, claiming the agency used its old spokeslizard without authorization.

Asteroid/Alien Crisis Was Part of NASA Fraud Scheme

SPECIAL FU INVESTIGATION

October 26, 2029—NASA concocted the story about an asteroid headed on a collision course with Earth as part of a complex conspiracy aimed at enriching its top officials,  FU has learned.

In addition, scientists and executives at the space agency concocted a story about aliens heading into our solar system, and possessing the capability to destroy the asteroid, as part of the scheme, according to terabytes of data leaked to this reporter by an anonymous source.

The records indicate that NASA made up the story about the asteroid in January, when it was a private corporation, in order to win lucrative government contracts that would help the company avoid bankruptcy.  The scheme appeared to be backfiring in late February when President Angelia Jolie ordered the government to take over the financially troubled company.

At that point, the conspiracy spiraled out of control.  When many NASA officials left the space agency to work for defense contractor LockMartin Corp., NASA Administrator (and former chief executive officer) Cy Phiphan steered lucrative space-barge construction contracts to the company, with the understanding that LockMartin would pay secret kickbacks to him and other top agency officials.  Under pressure from Congress, Phiphan subsequently cancelled those contracts because of cost overruns and mismanagement. 

At that point, NASA bribed top astrobiologists at the SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) Institute to claim that they had made interstellar contact with the aliens who were entering our solar system and had the technology to destroy the asteroid and save the Earth.   The space agency’s leaders then directed new no-bid contracts to LockMartin to develop special interspecies translators, claiming the devices were needed to help government officials communicate and negotiate with the aliens.

The data files indicate that the conspiracy trickles all the way down the lowest ranks of NASA, and also involves top officials at the Pentagon.  The documents do not provide evidence that President Angelina Jolie or Defense Secretary Maureen Corr knew about the conspiracy.

The asteroid scare has cost the world trillions of dollars, sent U.S. housing values tumbling below $0 and led to severe overcrowding on the Moon, where many people have fled to avoid the apocalypse.  It also has led to the cancellation of the Super Bowl, the 2030 Winter Olympics and the theatrical release of Seinfeld: The Movie.

Trillions of dollars have been spent on space barges designed to transport people off the planet, and the Jolie administration has been pressing Congress for more funds to accelerate terra-forming initiatives on Mars so that Earth refugees could live there.  And the news of the aliens has led to sweeping public concerns about a new wave of illegal immigration.