Future Update

July 8, 2028 — Former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Angelina Jolie today formally announced she is seeking the Democratic Party nomination for president.

“This nation needs a kick-ass heroine,” Jolie said in a video address on her official website. “I’m ready to help reunite this country after months of turmoil, and make sure we all have access to good jobs, a cleaner environment, affordable health care, and chique clothes.”

Jolie is the first Democrat to jump into the race, and her sterling popularity may discourage anyone else from trying to compete with her.

Twenty years ago, Jolie was one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars as well as Goodwill Ambassador to the UN Refugee Agency. And in the late-teens, just before she could be put out to pasture in some sitcom, Jolie left acting to pursue her humanitarian work full time. That led former President Oprah Winfey to appoint her to the ambassador post in 2021.

Jolie, 53, is not the first Hollywood icon to run for the Oval Office.  Both Ronald Reagan and Winfrey made their mark in show business before embarking on political careers. But her candidacy could nevertheless be historic, says FU political analyst Ima Fullavit.

“Angelina brings a lot of firsts to presidential politics,” Fullavit says. “For example, she’s the first presidential candidate to have won an Oscar.”

Jolie is also the first presidential candidate to:

• have adopted children from a variety of nations;
• have lots and lots and lots of tattoos;
• get a tattoo of her spouse’s name;
• have a tattoo of a spouse’s name removed;
• be a home-wrecker;
• provide the voices for CGI characters;
• play a character from a computer game;
• have sex with Brad Pitt; and
• be bisexual

Jolie’s current spouse,  electronic folk musician Bitch, says she is fully prepared to serve as first lady.

July 3, 2028 — President George Prescott Bush announced this morning that he will not run for re-election in November, saying the recent turmoil over control of the United States has left him disillusioned with public service.

In a live address to the nation streamed over the Web, Bush said he wants to pursue a music career with the help of high school classmate Enrique Iglesias. The two attended Gulliver Preparatory School in Miami. 

“I’d just rather have work that’s a little steadier than what this job has been over the last several months,” Bush said. “I’m sure the American people will understand.” 

Bush left Washington, D.C. in April after Google purchased the U.S. government in a $300 zillion transaction.  He briefly went into hiding in June when former Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) ordered her robot troops to start rounding up leading Republicans as part of her June 5 coup, which eventually failed.

Google on Monday sold the country back to the American people, prompting Bush to return to the White House to finish out his term.

Bush’s decision casts a huge degree of uncertainty on the leadership of the country, since both the GOP and Democratic parties are scrambling to come up with nominees for a November election that, because of the Google acquisition, was not expected to take place.  Vice President Eileen Wright and Tennessee Gov. Paul Terr are the leading contenders for the GOP nomination, says FU political analyst Ima Fulavitt.

FU has learned that the parties are considering a plan to have a nationwide primary in late July, so they can hold their conventions in late August.  For the primaries, Americans can simply use their personal telepathic headsets to cast their votes into their local precincts.