Jesus Christ to Voice GPS System

 
August 28, 2029—Representatives for Jesus Christ have signed an agreement that will allow the son of God’s voice to be used in a navigation system that can be embedded in the brain.

Christ’s voice, which scientists claim they have been able to replicate through extensive research and sound technology, can be downloaded into Garmin InnerNuvi systems via wireless Web-to-brain connections.  Christ channeled the news about the deal through the Rev. Paul Pitt, a Baptist minister in Alabama who claims to speak with the Savior on a regular basis. 

Celebrity voices for navigation became popular back in the early part of the century, when stars ranging from Sean Connery to Mr. T offered up directions on the old dashboard-mounted GPS systems.  The products became controversial when revered folks singer  Bob Dylan allowed his voice to be available for the devices. Dylan’s deal sparked accusations that he had “sold out,” but his voice was eventually pulled from the market when users complained that his diction was too poor for them to understand his directions.   An Ozzy Osbourne version was also recalled after users couldn’t understand the voice directions and ended up in traffic accidents as a result.   

Christ is not the first deceased spiritual leader to voice an internal GPS system.  Garmin rival TomTom currently offers the voices of Mother Teresa, the Rev. Billy Graham, and Moses. 

With the new Garmin release, Jesus can truly be one’s pilot.

 

Pope Condemns Digital Soul Storage

July 20, 2029—Pope Leo XIV yesterday condemned humanity’s efforts to flee the planet before a massive asteroid strikes, and had particularly harsh words for proposals to allow people to transfer their souls to portable electronic devices that can be shipped offworld.

The pontiff said that letting people abandon their bodies and have their electronically stored psyches shipped into space as humankind flees the planet is against God’s will.

“The plummeting asteroid that will wipe out the planet later this year is just the holy Father’s way of getting us all to heaven more quickly and efficiently, rather than on a piecemeal basis,” he said. “We shouldn’t be interfering with his effort at progress.”

The pope’s statement occurred just days after U.S. public interest groups stepped up pressure on the Jolie administration to permit the commercialization of soul-transfer technology, which has been used on a limited basis in the national security arena.  The technology is mostly used by intelligence agents who transfer their minds to a new body as a form of disguise in undercover operations.

Advocates say world governments will not be able to ship all of their people off of Earth in time. But Bree N. Dumpp, President of the Mindless Bodies Association (MBA)., says the soul-transfer technology is more cost-effective, particulary because the storage devices take up far less room on escape barges than do actual flesh-and-blood people.
The pope said his biggest concern was that the technology could easily lead to premarital sex and adultery.

“Allowing a husband and wife to transfer their souls into storage, and eventually uploading them into other bodies that may become available in space, means they’re both committing marital infidelity because they’re both having relations with different bodies,” he said.

Star Trek Church Bombing Believed to be Hate Crime

May 14, 2029—Two Starfleet clergymen were killed and three costumed worshipers seriously injured in a bombing last night at a Star Trek church in Las Vegas.

The bomb went off about 8:00 p.m. at the United Church of Spock about one mile west of the Las Vegas strip. Police suspect that the incident is a hate crime and have called in the Federal Bureau of Investigation to take over the investigation.

The victims were the only life forms inside the church at the time. They had gathered for a Mauk-to ‘Vor, which is a ritualized killing in Klingon culture. Klingon is one of the many sects within the Trek Church.

Trekism originated as a cult in the late 20th century and became an official religion in 2015.  Its followers worship Gene Roddenberry, creator of the television show that spawned the faith. But it has been the subject of scorn and derision by a number of other religions and cults, including evangelical Christians, Muslims, and disciples of Star Wars creator George Lucas. 

The Las Vegas incident marked the second crime inflicted on Trekists this year. In February, a gunman walked into a private Trek high school and threatened to shoot the instructor.  But a student snuck up on the perpetrator and subdued him with a Vulcan nerve pinch.