Michael Phelps Admits to Faking Marijuana Use for Publicity

November 13, 2029—Michael Phelps’ upcoming autobiography contains a shocking admission that he never actually used illegal drugs during his storied career in competitive swimming.

According to an excerpt of the autobiography, “Wet,” published today in Googlenews.com, the 14-time Olympic gold medalist says he actually leaked a fake photo to a British tabloid in 2009 showing him using a bong to smoke marijuana (then a controlled substance).  USA Swimming subsequently suspended him from swimming for three months.

“I thought I could eventually sell more copies of my memoirs if I had a blemish on my image that I could talk about in detail,” Phelps confesses. “I figured people would want to read about how ashamed and humiliated I was.”

He said he later sent a letter to USA Swimming admitting that he faked the photo for money-making purposes, but that the organization ignored his confession because it wanted to convince the public that it was cracking down on illegal drug use in the sport.

Retired tennis pro Andre Agassi, who wrote a 2009 autobiography in which he admitted to illegal drug use during his career, issued a statement sharply criticizing Phelps.

“I think Michael has learned that over the years that celebrities who admit to past drug use—myself, LeBron James, Bill Clinton—are a dime a dozen,” Agassi said. “So he’s decided to cash in by claiming to have faked bad behavior instead of actually having engaged in it. To me he’s right up there with [actor] David Duchovny.”

Agassi was referring to longstanding rumors that Duchovny lied about being a recovering sex addict back in 2008 in order to boost ratings for his TV show, “Californication,” in which he played a sex addict.

Sosa Says Face Cream Made Him Look Like Asian Woman

November 11, 2029—Sammy Sosa says a revolutionary cosmetic cream he uses to soften the skin around his cheeks and eyes is the reason he now resembles an Asian woman.

The former Chicago Cubs slugger, whose use of cosmetic creams and hair-straightening products has drawn attention for two decades, was photographed at a gala event in Las Vegas last week with a noticeably different face and ostensibly new gender.

Sosa, who turns 61 tomorrow, says he is not suffering from any skin illness and has not undergone any gender-alteration surgery or ethnicity-changing treatments. He says he has been using a revolutionary cream for a long time, and combined with bright camera lights that made him squint, it made his face look feminine and Asian.

Sosa in 2005 (left) and today

Baseball Fans Refuse to Believe World Series Outcome

November 5, 2029—Pitcher Emery Ball held the Yankees to just two hits and one run on Wednesday, leading the Pittsburgh Pirates to win the World Series for the first time in half a century. But baseball fans openly refused to believe the Pirates’ victory, accusing the federal government of rigging the game to draw attention away from the scandal surrounding the end-of-the-world hoax.

“They expect us to believe anything,” said longtime Yankees fan Skip Tickel about the 6-2 victory in Game 5.  “We bought the whole story about the asteroid heading toward Earth, and the aliens that were supposedly entering the solar system. But for them to think we’d believe the Pirates actually won the Series is pretty insulting.”

Until this year, the Pirates’ 37-year streak of consecutive losing seasons was the most of any of North America’s four major sports leagues.  Under manager Ian Field, the team turned around this year with the help of a strong pitching staff that featured Ball and C.C. Sabathia III. 

FU sports analyst Bob Caustic said the public skepticism about the Pirates’ win is understandable given the government lies that have been exposed over the last week.

“The chances of two longtime losing baseball teams suddenly becoming colossal Cinderella stories is highly unlikely,” Caustic said, referencing last year’s World Series win by the Chicago Cubs.