Baseball Fans Refuse to Believe World Series Outcome

November 5, 2029—Pitcher Emery Ball held the Yankees to just two hits and one run on Wednesday, leading the Pittsburgh Pirates to win the World Series for the first time in half a century. But baseball fans openly refused to believe the Pirates’ victory, accusing the federal government of rigging the game to draw attention away from the scandal surrounding the end-of-the-world hoax.

“They expect us to believe anything,” said longtime Yankees fan Skip Tickel about the 6-2 victory in Game 5.  “We bought the whole story about the asteroid heading toward Earth, and the aliens that were supposedly entering the solar system. But for them to think we’d believe the Pirates actually won the Series is pretty insulting.”

Until this year, the Pirates’ 37-year streak of consecutive losing seasons was the most of any of North America’s four major sports leagues.  Under manager Ian Field, the team turned around this year with the help of a strong pitching staff that featured Ball and C.C. Sabathia III. 

FU sports analyst Bob Caustic said the public skepticism about the Pirates’ win is understandable given the government lies that have been exposed over the last week.

“The chances of two longtime losing baseball teams suddenly becoming colossal Cinderella stories is highly unlikely,” Caustic said, referencing last year’s World Series win by the Chicago Cubs.

Yankees DH Suspended for Bashing Robot Umpire

October 16, 2029—The New York Yankees will begin Game 1 of the American League Championship Series tonight without designated hitter Grant Slamm, who is under a three-game suspension for bashing a robotic umpire beyond repair during Monday’s division championship game against the Texas Rangers.

Doug Autt will fill the DH spot tonight as the Yankees take on the  Mariners in Seattle.

Major League Baseball also fined Slamm $20 million for the destruction and ordered him to cover the costs of replacing the umpire, which costs roughly $75 million. 

The incident occurred in the seventh inning of the fourth and final game of the division series, when Umpire R16 called Slamm out on strikes. Slamm angrily protested the third-strike call. When the robot ejected Slamm from the game for his behavior, the DH beat the machine repeatedly with his bat.      

“There was no reason for Grant to argue the call,” said FU sports analyst Bob Caustic. “These umpire devices are programmed to identify balls crossing the strike zone with 99% accuracy. Protesting their calls is like arguing with your vomit about where it came from.”

Baseball Commissioner Alberto Gonzales said the league simply can’t afford to tolerate umpire vandalism.

“These umpires are very expensive devices,” he said. “I mean, each unit costs almost as much as a typical player’s annual salary.”

Michael Vick Injured in Dog Attack

September 25, 2029—Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Michael Vick was severely injured in a dog attack Thursday evening, sustaining injuries that will force him to miss Sunday’s game in Baltimore against the Ravens.

Vick

Vick had exited his car and was walking toward his front door  when the female pit bull broke loose from its leash,  headed directly toward him and attacked.  Vick suffered lacerations to his right leg and buttock.

“It was amazing,” Lee Thalpett, owner of the dog, Daisy, told FU.  “We were just on a leisurely, quiet walk, and suddenly she went berserk. There were several people on the street. She could have attacked anyone of them, but it was like she singled out Coach Vick.”

The Humane Society of the United States was quick to voice its sympathies for Vick,  but still pointed out the irony of the attack, recalling the former star quarterback’s 2007 conviction on charges related to a dogfighting ring that he ran.  Vick spent 18 months in prison.  After his release, he played briefly for the Philadelphia Eagles before retiring and has been a longtime crusader against dogfighting.   

“Because of his work on behalf of abused animals, we feel Mr. Vick has redeemed himself,”  said Humane Society President Annie Mulover. “But dogs tend to have a strong sense about people, and apparently this particular animal is not as forgiving as we are.”