Tiger Woods Releases New Line of Artifical Knees
Posted by Skip Dekades in Business, Life, News, Science, health, sports, technology.Tags: celebrities, condoms, David Beckham, fake news, future, humor, knee replacement, Michael Vick, pet care, pro athletes, pro golf, Satire, sports injuries, tattoos, Tiger Woods, Tom Brady
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June 20, 2028 — Tiger Woods has launched his own line of artificial knees, designed for golfers who need the same type of knee replacements that he has undergone during the course of his storied career.
The 52-year-old golfer unveiled the “Tiger Woods Knee Jerk” at a press conference today in Miami.
“This artificial joint, which includes my engraved signature, is designed to give maximum performance to aging golfers whose showy swings have put an unreasonable amount of torque on their knees and left them on the verge of being disabled,” Woods said.
Woods himself was forced to retire from the sport in 2022 after suffering a stress fracture on his left knee — the eighth fracture he had suffered in 14 years.
“I hope golfers will ask their surgeons to install my device so that they can keep playing, even if they make the same mistakes that I did by pretending I was indestructible and continuing to play when I could barely walk,” he said.
The Knee Jerk marks the latest in a line of health-and-lifestyle-related products that retired pro athletes have been rolling out over the past several years as a way of atoning for their past showboating, hedonism and/or bad behavior. Those products include the David Beckham Home Tattoo Removal Kit, the “Tom Brady Barrier” line of condoms and Michael Vick’s Guide to Ethical Pet Care.
Olympics Moved to Bismarck, N.D.
Posted by Skip Dekades in News, sports.Tags: future, Seattle, climate change, humor, Satire, Olympics, North Dakota, gymnast, flood, earthquake, Bismarck, International Olympic Committee, polar ice caps, global warming, natural disasters, events, Boy Scouts
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May 15, 2028—The International Olympic Committee announced yesterday that the summer games will be moved from Seattle to Bismarck, N.D., and delayed for one month.
IOC Chairman Nicolai Vladakov said the organization was about to cancel the 2028 Olympics when Bismarck city officials stepped forward and offered to serve as hosts, on the condition that the competition be rescheduled to begin Aug. 8 so they had ample time to prepare. Boy Scout Troop 512 has volunteered to help arrange the opening ceremonies.
Vladakov first warned of the games being cancelled in April after Seattle was beset with severe flooding from polar ice cap melts followed by a devastating earthquake that caused more than $50 billion in damages. The series of natural disasters left the city incapable of hosting the games.
Athletes interviewed by FU expressed mixed feelings about the relocation.
“I glad games go on as planned,” said Russian gymnast Helga Orbit. “But whar in the hell is Bistmorck?”
