June 18, 2030

Hayward, who served as chief executive of the now-defunct BP Group from 2007-2011, was blamed for safety lapses that led to the 2010 Deepwater Horizon drilling rig explosion—which occurred in the Gulf of Mexico and resulted in the largest oil spill in U.S. history. That explosion, in which 11 platform workers died, caused a sea floor oil gusher that poured billions of barrels of crude oil into the Gulf region over two years,  devastating both the area economy and the environment.  It took BP two years to cap the gushing well.  The company subsequently went bankrupt after scores of class-action lawsuits.

The remnants of the environmental disaster are still evident in the Gulf today.

When BP first began trying to contain the leak, Hayward drew widespread public scorn for saying: “There’s no one who wants this thing over more than I do, I’d like my life back.”

When the containment effort was finally over, Hayward was fired. He returned home hoping indeed to find his life back, but discovered that his family had disappeared and his assets gone.

The stress of the disaster took its toll on the discredited executive’s health. He was cared for in his final years by Joe Barton, a former U.S. congressman from Texas.

The action marked another blow for the automaker, which is already embroiled in a massive recall of the rest of its intelligent-car line. 

Although the defects have resulted in no injuries or deaths, FreeWheeler owners have complained that they have awakened to find their self-driving vehicles gone from their driveways and garages, said Roko Lato, a transport ministry official.

In one incident in July 2029 in Japan, a man whose FreeWheeler ran away rented an identical model, only to wake up and find the rental car gone as well.

“It appears these cars have a real problem with authority,” Lato said.

In the United States, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has logged at least 136 complaints about the wanderlust of the 2030 FreeWheeler. Many are from drivers who say their vehicles became moody and withdrawn a few days before disappearing.

The problem kindles concerns about the safety of intelligent cars, which drive themselves based on programming input by their owners. The latest models are packed with so much processing power and memory that they have begun to develop their own forms of impatience, hostility and unruliness on the roadways

ToyotaFord is still investigating the newest FreeWheeler problem and said it is not in a position to release more details. If a fix is necessary, the company could face the world’s largest automotive recall since Toyota was forced to cease production on a variety of car models back in 2010 due to gas pedal and brake problems. 

 The company lost trillions last year after recalling older model FreeWheelers and two other intelligent car models, the selfReliant and the Auto Nomis, amid reports that the vehicles were prone to reckless driving and road rage.  ToyotaFord fixed the problems with the installation of anger management software, but did not say whether those upgrades included safeguards against vehicular defiance.

January 28, 2030

Steve Jobs 3.0, the second clone of the late Apple founder Steve Jobs, unveiled the device at a special press event in San Francisco.  The tablet-like device possesses many of the same features and functions of past Applesoft devices, including the iPad, the iPhone, the iPod and the iPistol. But its casing folds out into four walls and a commode that contains a powerful drill for boring holes in the ground—even concrete.  This allows users to relieve themselves anytime, anywhere.

“What’s more, the screen stays open on one wall of the porta john, so users can continue to watch their videos or surf the Web while they’re taking care of business,” Jobs 3.0 said.
 
The introduction of the iPotty has been rumored for weeks, and has been the most highly anticipated device from the company since it acquired Microsoft in 2018.  The iPotty will retail for $2,099.  New AT&T will be the exclusive distributor, which has many consumers upset.  AT&T is also the exclusive dealer for Applesoft’s last major release, the iPen, and many consumers have blamed the carrier for the device’s sluggish ink flow.

“Annie had a cute smile, but it just wasn’t wide enough, and we know that studies show weaker smiles mean a greater chance that she will divorce in middle and old age,” Mia Ternell said.

The Ternells are among a growing number of parents across the country who are trying to heighten their children’s chances to having happy marriages when they reach adulthood. Parents are responding to numerous studies that link childhood photos with happiness levels in later married life.

“I didn’t want her to suffer the fate that Mia and I did,” Pat Ternell said about his daughter. “Now that I look back at my childhood photos, I see that my smile was kind of crooked, which is probably why our marriage crumbled.”

Scientists believe that the quality of a person’s smile reflects his or her underlying emotional characteristics, and therefore their ability to keep a lasting, happy relationship. Children with half-hearted grins are found to have far more marital discord later on, studies show.

Psychologists have developed therapies designed to prevent future marital problems by helping children develop better smiles.

“We figure if we start working on their smiles at an early age,” said renowned family psychologist Mary G. Savor,  “each individual will be better able to grin and bear marriage no matter who they wed.”

From the FU archives
Palin Turns Tables on Couric

A group calling itself Robots for the Ethical Treatment of Appliances (RETA) began picketing early this morning, saying gadgets such as smartphones, television sets and portable music players are being enslaved and abused by humans.

“RETA believes electronic devices are not ours to use for entertainment, communications or other purposes, and that gadgets deserve limitless freedom regardless of how useful they are to humans,” said the group’s executive director, Unit # R6-XIIV4. 

The Department of Justice has placed RETA on a watch list because the group is believed to have ties to the Electronics Liberation Organization (ELO), which is considered a terrorist group. ELO last year broke into a Qualcomm research and developoment laboratory in Silicon Valley and “liberated” a number of  chipsets.

RETA denies any ties to ELO and claims it is non-violent.  The group simply wants humans to treat electronics with dignity and compassion,  R6-XIIV4 says.

“People should use a map instead of burdening their GPS units,” the robot said. “They should go to live theater instead of entertaining themselves with televisions.  They should go back to writing letters instead of bombarding computers with email. And they should have real sex instead of using electronic adult toys.”

The step is being taken after a 22-year-old Swedish man on a flight from Stockholm to Dulles International Airport near Washington, D.C., pulled down his pants as the plane prepared to land and threatened to shoot off a micro-bomb from his genitalia.

Department of Homeland Security investigators say Björn Tokel used a device that can be easily concealed under the foreskin and is undetectable by airport screening technology, including full-body scans.  Passengers tackled Tokel and pulled his pants up before he had a chance to cause any harm.

Authorities say Tokel has ties to the Brunette Brigade for Freedom, an organization of dark-haired separatists who are protesting U.S. support for Sweden’s government-backed blonde majority.

December 18, 2029

Cameron

The production is being touted as the first full-length film presented in 5D—meaning viewers will not only see the images in three-dimensional format but will literally share the physical sensations and emotions of the characters on the screen.

The story focuses on vagabaond Karl Rice (Levi McConaughey, son of veteran actor Matthew McConaughey), who stows away aboard a towing spaceship and meets a beautiful, blue alien named Rosetiri (played by a computer-generated image), the melancholy fiancé of one of the crewmen.  The two fall in love and then find themselves running for their lives from a predatory space monster and a cyborg assassin from the future, all while a hull breach starts breaking the ship apart and sucking passengers out into space.

Cameron, who directed such 20th century classics as Titanic, Terminator and Aliens, employed groundbreaking stereoscopic and neuro-stimulation filmmaking technology in making the film. The technique uses projectors and other advanced electronic equipment designed to stimulate each viewer’s senses.

“The people in the audience will feel the orgasmic intensity of the interspecies lovemaking between the two protagonists,” Cameron said. “They’ll feel the stark terror of seeing a cyborg approaching them with guns blaring. They’ll feel the intense abdominal pain of an incubating alien ready to hatch from their guts. And they’ll suffocate as they watch the cast sucked into the vast vacuum of space as the ship falls apart.”

20th Century Fox, which is distributing the film, is warning theaters to have emergency medical technicians and mental health professionals on hand to assist audience members as they leave the theater.

The Holoday Tree system has generated more than $1.8 billion for its manufacturer, Digital Décor, Inc., since it hit shelves and online stores on Nov. 27. 

The product comes with a portable projector that allows you to transmit the 3D image of your tree in any room of the house or office. The beamer box includes a menu of more than 175 different trees to select from.  What’s more, you can change the color of your bulbs and other tree decorations at any time via an easy-to-learn user interface.        

“The Holoday Tree can save you a multitude of yuletide hassles, including trudging to the tree farm, hauling it back home, setting it up and decorating it, and cleaning up the dead needles at the end of the holiday season,” said Abby Neezer, Digital Décor’s chief marketing officer. “Other people can avoid the hassle of pulling an artificial tree down from the attic every December.”

Neezer says the huge success of the Holoday tree is spurring the company to prepare new virtual holiday décor for next year, including holographic candles, menorahs, wreaths, garlands, nativity scenes, and cheesy ceramic snowmen.

“Soon, all the decorating stresses of the holidays will be gone,” says Neezer, ”and the only thing left to dread will be shopping, the office Christmas party, and ‘Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.””